Breaking: The Beaverton obtains Parliamentary Press Pass

OTTAWA – In order to better compete with other media and bring readers the most reliable fake news, the Beaverton is going directly to the source and has been granted access to the Parliame…

The Indian Act

  Marilla Wex reports on how the Trudeau government has finally found a way to solve the racial and legal complications surrounding one of Canada’s oldest laws.…

Boy who identifies as female told not to dress as a girl by male judge wearing a gown

MEDICINE HAT, AB – A 5-year old trans girl has been told not to dress as a girl in public by a male judge wearing a gown. Judge Martin Cromwell, who oversaw the custody case in family court…

Editorial: Why must humans enjoy Fall and ignore signs of death all around them

By: A Maple Tree It is with great sadness that I, Yggdrasil King of the Maples, reach out to you. I recognize that this letter must come as a shock. Many of you leg walkers have been deceived int…

The Beaverton Trailer

  Coming November 9 at 10:30 pm on Comedy: The News. On Television.…

CETA UPDATE: Even other countries’ francophone minorities pissed off at Canada

NAMUR, BELGIUM – After talks on the Comprehensive Economic and Trade Agreement were stalled by the francophone minority in Belgium, it has become apparent that every francophone minority in…

Montreal resident shaves 45 minutes off commute by quitting job

MONTREAL — Local industrial designer, Frédéric Villeneuve, discovered a “life hack” for reducing his long commute that has recently made big waves on social media: Villeneuve quit his job. …

Leonard Cohen’s new album just hour-long 12 Hz vibration

MONTREAL – Canadian music icon Leonard Cohen has just released “The World as I Hear It,” a new folk-pop-blues album which contains a single 63-minute track recorded at the lowest frequency a huma…

TTC assures riders that heating on subway cars will be broken just in time for winter

TORONTO – In a public announcement today, TTC CEO Andy Byford has reassured a worried public that the heating system on its subway will cease to be operational by December, precisely as scheduled…

Thought of ice cream gets man through another day

WINNIPEG – Local man Gregory Myers has made it through another goddamn day of this thing we call life, mainly by thinking about ice cream. “It can be hard to get up in the morning, knowing …