CORNWALL, ON – After years of living in fear of being shot at by ubiquitous snapping turtle hunters, Rex Murphy can finally enter Canada’s most populous province again following a decision by th...
Apple invents new laptop that is designed to be turned off once in a while
PAOLO ALTO – In a stunning announcement Apple Inc. has revealed that their new MacBook Pro has been specially built so that it will function better if turned off from time to time. “As our custo...
75% of Canada 150 budget spent on hiding worst parts of national history
OTTAWA – After rejecting most of the proposed Canada 150 projects in March, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau explained today that the majority of the anniversary budget had already been earmarked f...
Couple struggles to ferberize their smartphone
Halifax, NS – After purchasing their first family plan on Thursday, newlyweds Jerome and Anjelica Todd are struggling to ferberize their identical phones. “We knew it would be hard,” said Anjeli...
BLM vs police debate is taking away from the true meaning of Toronto Pride: corporate sponsorship
By: Mark Abdul Da Silva, Vice President of Big Synergy Marketing Inc. I’m disappointed to see the divisiveness caused by the conflict between Toronto Police Services and Black Lives Matter Toronto tea...
Study: Drop in world life expectancy attributable to rising obesity, Gorthax the Hypergalactic Space Cannibal
FREDERICTON – A ground-breaking study out of UNB has concluded that recent reductions in world life expectancy is caused equally by rising obesity rates and the recent invasion of the planet by Gortha...
Guide To: The North
Everything you wanted to know about life above the 60th parallel but were afraid to ask....
Newfoundland sunk after collision with iceberg
HALIFAX – Four hours after a striking a massive iceberg, the Province of Newfoundland has sunk off the coast of Labrador leaving an unknown number of survivors. All contact was lost with Canada&...
Exasperated God going to keep making new kinds of spiders until we stop being so racist
EARTH – After long eras of systemic racial discrimination by humanity, God has clarified he will keep inventing new, terrible kinds of spider until we stop. “Okay guys,” said God after Donald Tr...
Ontario Liberals combat housing crisis by adding 58 storey condo to Queen’s Park
TORONTO – As part of its plan to open up provincial lands for the development of affordable housing, the Ontario government announced today that the 58 storey condominium they added to the provi...
