Ottawa announces $62 billion worth of defence spending delays

OTTAWA – Defence Minister Harjit Sajjan has announced that the government will add $62 billion in defence spending delays over the next 10 years. The new procurement strategy titled ‘Postpo…

How To: Own A Cat

  So you wanted a pet, but decided a dog would be too much fun?…

Area woman so busy she doesn’t even have time to eat yogurt.

TORONTO – Forced to juggle career, family and an active social life, local woman Carole Vonn was unable to find any time in her busy schedule to eat yogurt this week. “I knew that bei…

Hedley celebrates 14th anniversary of benefiting from CRTC laws

ABBOTSFORD, BC – Pop-punk band Hedley celebrated their 14th anniversary of profiting from the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission Canadian content rules. As per the …

I’m not racist, I’ve just been arguing that I should get to say the n-word for 6 days

By Darren Anderson As you may have heard, there’s been a lot of discussion this week about the acceptability of the “n-word” after Bill Maher said it on air on Friday night. So I just want …

The Beaverton Weekly Report: June 7, 2017

Every week Beaverton editor-in-chief Luke Gordon Field assembles some of the country’s best comedians and writers to talk, mock and riff their way through the news of the week. Then he puts…

Unbelievable! This Mandarin buffet is letting me eat as many noodles as I want

This is crazy! I’ve been sitting at this Mandarin buffet by myself for 2 hours and no one stops me from getting up and helping myself to more plates of delicious noodles. Not small plates e…

Jealous Macron angrily refreshing Trudeau-Obama coverage every five seconds

PARIS — The so-called “bromance” between former US President Barack Obama and Canadian Justin Trudeau has once again captured the world’s imagination, according to French president Emmanuel Macro…

Quebec to ratify Charter if rest of Canada eats this grasshopper

QUEBEC CITY – After nearly 4 decades, the province of Quebec has vowed to finally ratify the 1982 Constitution Act, on the sole condition that the rest of the country eats this disgusting g…

The Beaverton renewed for season 2 after writers, cast pass brutal Canadian TV hazing rituals

TORONTO – Bell Media announced today that it has picked up satirical news sensation The Beaverton for another year after the show’s cast and crew successfully completed the demoralizing and…