CALGARY – An 85-year-old grandmother and fan of Olympic ice dancing thinks Canadian Olympic figure skaters Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir should “just fuck already.” Janice Bondar made the announce...
5 indoor exercises that aren’t masturbating
Winter is a tough time for everyone. Your bike is in storage, it’s too cold to go jogging, and you’re not burning enough calories, no matter how frequently you masturbate. If you’re getting bored of y...
Patrick Brown, Doug Ford likely to split all-important asshole vote in Tory leadership race
TORONTO – With the leadership vote mere weeks away, pollsters are reporting that frontrunner Doug Ford and disgraced former leader Patrick Brown are splitting the vote of the PC party’s large as...
Trump insists only way to stop a bad mentally ill guy with a gun is a good mentally ill guy with a gun
Parkland, Florida – While visiting with survivors of the tragic school shooting in Florida, President Trump refused to call for gun control, and instead assured Americans, “the only thing that c...
After unveiling streaming film service Toronto public library now valued at $9.2 billion
TORONTO – Only a month after unveiling their well received streaming film service, the Toronto Public Library has been valued at just under $10,000,000,000.00 “With Netflix, Hulu, Amazon a...
Boss a little too enthusiastic about celebrating office Chinese New Year
LONDON, ON – Wearing a red and gold tie and bowing as his employees came into work, Gerald Turning, 57, a local sales manager at Brenk-Co Plastics was reportedly a tad over enthusiastic about ce...
4 historical re-enactors interpret times of yore at Ontario PC leadership debate
TORONTO – Four Ontario PC leadership candidates brought history alive with their reinterpretation of outdated policies and archaic beliefs entertaining all those who watched. The enthusiasts deb...
Historian confirms ancient Greek Olympic curling took place in the nude
LAVAL, QC – A recent study shows that the original Olympic athletes of ancient Greece, long thought to not practice any winter sports at all, did in fact compete at curling, and did so completel...
Clint Eastwood’s latest film just 2 hours of an American flag blowing in the wind
LOS ANGELES – Critics are raving after an early screening of Clint Eastwood’s latest film “Flag”, 120 minutes of the stars and stripes bravely and proudly blowing in the wind. “It was a masterpi...
White friend slightly too excited about Black Panther
TORONTO – Local white friend Connor Allen is reportedly just a little too hyped for Marvel’s latest blockbuster, the studio’s first to feature a person of colour in the starring role. “I haven’t felt ...
