TORONTO – Ontario Premier-designate Doug Ford will offer companies that have purchased carbon credits used tires so that they may be burned for heat. Claiming that the move will avoid any potent...
Advocates urge cyclists to use new “Please don’t kill me” hand signal
TORONTO – Cycling safety advocates have developed a new hand signal following a string of fatal accidents on Toronto’s streets. In addition to the existing signals for ‘right’, ‘left’, and ‘stop...
Smell of burnt toast convinces entire Diner they’re about to have a seizure
OTTAWA – Recalling only a few seconds of that Canadian Heritage Moment, every patron of a local diner was immediately certain they were about to have a seizure after the kitchen burnt two pieces...
Wedding planner suggests barn
KINGSTON – The longstanding puzzle of where to hold the upcoming wedding of a Kingston couple was valiantly solved by local wedding planner, Suzanne Albright, who bravely saved the day by suggesting b...
Woman dying of laughter also gradually dying, day by day
HAMILTON, ON – As she doubled over in laughter, hand still clutching her iPhone, Ashley Zucker, wiped a single tear from her eye. An image based meme had managed to temporarily relieve her from ...
Girl celebrating Father’s Day by dismantling the patriarchy
KITCHENER, ON — Following a lengthy deliberation process, Julia Trent, 15, has officially announced that she is celebrating Father’s Day this year by dismantling the patriarchy. “At first I thou...
Local man chooses to eat pizza crust-first like he’s some kind of ascetic monk
Kingston, ON – Displaying saint-like patience in the face of temptation, local 29 year-old Marcus Richmond consistently eats the crust of his pizza first, ignoring the topping, cheese, and sauce...
Twelve Montreal sinkholes given heritage status
MONTREAL—City officials have announced that twelve historic Montreal sinkholes have been declared heritage sites to protect them from redevelopment. “We have an obligation to preserve and celebrate Mo...
Bear wakes up from wild night out with ear tag
LYTTON, BC – A black bear found itself with a cheeky new accessory and a hazy memory after a wild night on Friday. The bear, 5, struggled to recall an exact timeline that led to the tag being at...
TTC bus driver really wants you to know he’s having a great fucking day
TORONTO – At approximately 8:10 this morning, TTC bus driver Mick ‘Micky’ Dorland made an impromptu announcement to an overcrowded bus, letting them know that he’s “feelin’ fine”. “To be honest, it re...
