SHENZHEN, CHINA – Ren Zhengfei, the founder and CEO of HuaWei, is under severe pressure from HuaWei’s Board of directors to stop using the expression ‘It’s my way or the HuaWei’ or risk being ou...
Local condo construction stretches on into 2nd or 10th year
TORONTO — Sources report that the condo construction project at the corner of Bathurst St and St. Clair Ave shows no signs of completion after either 2 years or a full decade. Locals report that...
Americans make odd choice to celebrate decision that led them to this point
AMERICA – To the surprise of international observers, millions of Americans chose to celebrate the anniversary of their declaration of independence today, despite the fact that this decision has...
Local trivia team in bar warned to take it down a notch
KINGSTON, ON – After repeated warnings from bar owner Glen Hobschmeer to tone it down, a rowdy trivia team has been issued a life ban from bars citywide that host game nights centering on inform...
High school student to lend minimal construction skills to Haiti
PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI – Despite possessing little to no aptitude for construction, high school junior Gillian Pearce has elected to spend an entire week in Haiti with the goal of rebuilding a hospital...
Hamilton tick infestation fails to combat city’s Torontonian infestation
HAMILTON, ON – As the summer shifts into full swing, Hamilton residents have been placed on high alert with reports that the tick epidemic currently sweeping the city has failed to counteract th...
Openly sobbing in public entirety of woman’s self-care ritual
ST. JOHN’S, NL – When taking her lunch hour outside on a bench yesterday, Samira Kader devoted the majority of her break to sobbing uncontrollably. Kader asserted that crying in public was the l...
U2 releases new album on Google Home entitled “Hey Google, turn on all the lights”
DUBLIN – Notable Irish band U2 announced this week that their upcoming album will be released exclusively to Google Home users as a compulsory free download titled “Hey Google, Turn On All the L...
Canadian Mint running dangerously low on shit to print on quarters
OTTAWA – The Royal Canadian Mint declared a state of crisis this week, announcing that they have nearly run out of ideas for pictures to print on the quarter. “The mint has a proud history of pr...
Aging Canada tells everyone it’s turning 150 again
OTTAWA – Leading up to its July 1st birthday, Canada has been telling people that it is turning 150 for a second year in a row out of fear that it will be thought of as “that gross old country”....
