TORONTO – As a result of the skyrocketing popularity of the “Ooo I can’t have that” diet, Canadians all over the country are making healthier decisions and ultimately becoming catering nightmares…
High school student to lend minimal construction skills to Haiti
PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI – Despite possessing little to no aptitude for construction, high school junior Gillian Pearce has elected to spend an entire week in Haiti with the goal of rebuilding a hos…
Local woman in $108 Roots sweatpants, ‘I look homeless’
BARRIE, ON – Sporting a carefully constructed hair-bun aimed at looking effortless and a new pair of Roots sweatpants that cost $108, Alyssa Kruse bemoaned that she looked homeless. Kruse explain…
Local man excited to regurgitate opinion he saw on Reddit
NEWMARKET, ON – After spending hours scrolling in order to reaffirm his world-view, local man James Reed is delightfully excited to regurgitate an opinion he saw on Reddit. At press time, Reed ma…
Report: Lone hair on woman’s otherwise bare chin won’t give up
MONCTON, NB – In what is shaping up to be a tale of triumph and resilience, a lone hair on the otherwise bare chin of local woman, Gillian Scholl, shows no signs of giving up. The 41-year-old dis…
Andrew Scheer tries to engage in social media by inviting everyone to play FarmVille
OTTAWA – In an attempt to connect with younger voters via social media, Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer invited all Canadians to play FarmVille. “Justin Trudeau and Jagmeet Singh may have…
Update: 3 minutes of vest-appropriate weather is here
BELLEVILLE, ON – At a ripe temperature of 16 degrees Celsius with heaping sun, Sidney Barrett excitedly donned a vest for the whole three minutes of vest-appropriate weather that exists in North …
Knitting needles join scrapbook paper on shelf of woman’s failed hobbies
Leduc, AB – After promising herself that knitting was going to be “her thing”, Sharon Allan’s knitting needles are now collecting dust on the shelf storing her scrapbook materials, woodwork…