Patrick Brown, Doug Ford likely to split all-important asshole vote in Tory leadership race

TORONTO – With the leadership vote mere weeks away, pollsters are reporting that frontrunner Doug Ford and disgraced former leader Patrick Brown are splitting the vote of the PC party’s lar…

Trump insists only way to stop a bad mentally ill guy with a gun is a good mentally ill guy with a gun

Parkland, Florida – While visiting with survivors of the tragic school shooting in Florida, President Trump refused to call for gun control, and instead assured Americans, “the only thing t…

After unveiling streaming film service Toronto public library now valued at $9.2 billion

TORONTO – Only a month after unveiling their well received streaming film service, the Toronto Public Library has been valued at just under $10,000,000,000.00 “With Netflix, Hulu, Ama…

Boss a little too enthusiastic about celebrating office Chinese New Year

LONDON, ON – Wearing a red and gold tie and bowing as his employees came into work, Gerald Turning, 57, a local sales manager at Brenk-Co Plastics was reportedly a tad over enthusiastic abo…

4 historical re-enactors interpret times of yore at Ontario PC leadership debate

TORONTO – Four Ontario PC leadership candidates brought history alive with their reinterpretation of outdated policies and archaic beliefs entertaining all those who watched. The enthusiast…

Historian confirms ancient Greek Olympic curling took place in the nude

LAVAL, QC – A recent study shows that the original Olympic athletes of ancient Greece, long thought to not practice any winter sports at all, did in fact compete at curling, and did so comp…

Clint Eastwood’s latest film just 2 hours of an American flag blowing in the wind

LOS ANGELES – Critics are raving after an early screening of Clint Eastwood’s latest film “Flag”, 120 minutes of the stars and stripes bravely and proudly blowing in the wind. “It was a mas…

White friend slightly too excited about Black Panther

TORONTO – Local white friend Connor Allen is reportedly just a little too hyped for Marvel’s latest blockbuster, the studio’s first to feature a person of colour in the starring role. “I haven’t …

Breaking: TTC Presto gate worked one time

TORONTO – Sources report that on Saturday morning a Presto gate at the TTC’s Ossington station worked one time, allowing a single passenger to pay their fare and enter the subway system. “I could…

Vancouver city council votes to blind the poor to keep them from enjoying million dollar mountain views

VANCOUVER – During a contentious meeting Vancouver city council decided by a vote of 7 to 3 to adopt a new revitalization plan that includes blinding poor residents to keep them from seeing…