Sidney Crosby: “I would never let my children play hockey. The risk of getting drafted by Edmonton is too high”
EDMONTON – With a growing number of concerns about the dangers of playing hockey, several notable names are speaking out against the associated risks, including NHL superstar Sidney Crosby.…
Watch: Season 2, Episode 13
Watch the thirteenth episode of The Beaverton’s second season.…
Study finds Boomers’ sex lives still haven’t recovered from Mansbridge leaving the National
TORONTO – A new study from a media research group has revealed that Peter Mansbridge’s retirement last year has caused a steep and, to date, permanent drop in the amount of sex being …
Vancouver landlord seeks tenants for room that doubles as arts space/film set/weed dispensary
VANCOUVER – In a posting on Craigslist, a Vancouver landlord has announced that he is seeking five tenants for a single bedroom within an already inhabited apartment. The 8” by 8” space, lo…
Alberta escalates provincial tensions by deploying drunk Oiler fans to BC border
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Rachel Notley has added fuel to the fire with the BC government by deploying a division inebriated Edmonton Oilers fans along the border. Some 20,000 shitfaced fa…
Leadership race gives Ontario PC’s choice between two qualified women and guy who beat up Marty McFly’s Dad in Back to the Future
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Ginger Ale still number one recommended soda for your sore tum tum
TORONTO – After extensive testing in laboratories across the nation, Canada’s leading scientists have reported that due to its high content of fizzie wizzies and unparalleled yum yum factor…
Local woman insists co-workers feel her cold hands
WANDERING RIVER, AB – Eyewitnesses are reporting that a 41-year-old local woman suffering from poor circulation spent most of yesterday morning trying to prove to her co-workers that she wa…
Doritos introduces the Ladychip, a crunchless pink tube inserted into the vagina for demure female snackers
PLANO, TX – Doritos, the zesty tortilla chip brand, has announced the launch of a new line of chips aimed at female consumers, a vaginally-inserted crunchless pink tube called the Ladychip.…
Local man judged old enough for parents’ friends to swear around
EDMONTON—Local man Tim Creyer, 27, has reportedly been judged by his parents’ friends to have reached an age old enough for him to hear and participate in conversations using adult language “I wa…
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