I’m pretty sure that crossing guard thinks I’m a kid

By: David Hester, 33. Does that crossing guard think I’m a kid? We definitely made eye contact when I was waiting for the walk signal at an intersection I would describe as “not worthy of concern…

Doug Ford finds millions in efficiencies in brother’s widow’s inheritance

Etobicoke, ON – After Renata Ford, his brother’s widow, accused him of stealing money from her Rob Ford’s estate, Doug Ford issued a statement showing how his cost-cutting measures actually…

Disneyland creates immersive fairytale experience by turning workers into feudal serfs

Anaheim, CA – Taking the lead in the new immersive entertainment trend, Disneyland has begun treating their workers like peasants to provide park goers with an authentic feudal experience t…

Lifelong New Democrat excited to vote NDP for first time

Peterborough, ON – Having been a die-hard NDP supporter since he was in undergrad, local man Jason Newman, 33, is looking forward to not strategically voting for the Liberals in order to be…

Woman dies under accumulated mountain of small, quaint succulents

GUELPH, ON – Police have confirmed that 32 year old Olivia Siegel passed away Sunday afternoon underneath a mountain of quaint little succulents of her own creation. The young woman had beg…

Roommate realizes she can clean the whole floor and not just the parts that show

HAMILTON, ON –  Making a what sources are calling a “breakthrough,” local Roommate, Cicely McDonald, discovered this week that she can sweep and mop the entire floor, and not just the secti…

Leaked Ontario election poll shows Ontarians ranked dead last

TORONTO – A newly leaked poll from EKOS research shows that Ontarians are poised to be the losers in the upcoming provincial election. “The popular vote is deadlocked between the NDP and th…

Ordinary woman lifts car to rescue helpless burrito

TORONTO – Local woman Emily Pallister went above and beyond today, summoning superhuman strength to save her defenseless carne asada burrito that was about to be crushed by a careless drive…

Kathleen Wynne loses Kathleen Wynne endorsement

TORONTO — As the provincial election looms, Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne announced that she is rescinding her endorsement of Liberal leader Kathleen Wynne. “This was a difficult decision,…

Canada responds to US tariffs by asking which Trump child they need to bribe

OTTAWA — Following Thursday’s Washington announcement of steel and aluminum tariffs against many of its closest allies, including Canada, Ottawa has asked which Trump kid they need to pay o…