BREAKING: France okay with certain immigrants

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – After a high scoring 4 – 2 victory over Croatia in the 2018 World Cup finals, the entire nation of France announced Sunday that it finally embrace certain immigrants,…

Campus leftists under fire for refusing to engage in debate with escaped zoo tiger

TORONTO – In a rejection of liberal values characteristic of the modern Left, campus progressives are refusing to debate the eleven-foot man-eating tiger who recently escaped the zoo. “In a liber…

“Antarctic ice loss has tripled,” says crumpled report in garbage bin in Exxon’s cocaine lounge

Irving, TX – Oil industry insiders say that an alarming climate change report has been received by one of the top waste baskets in Exxon’s largest narcotic lounge. “It is imperative that we…

Ontario student from 2021 aces standardized phrenology exam

UXBRIDGE, ON – An Ontario student living three years into the future will receive a perfect score on his standardized phrenology exam. William Paxter, 17, will put in long hours of studying…

White friend just not that into politics

SCARBOROUGH – After failing to show any interest in June’s provincial election, local white friend Madison Thomas stunned no one by announcing she’s “just not that into” politics. According to so…

Revived 1998 Ontario sex-ed curriculum encourages students to be more of a Chandler and less of a Joey

TORONTO – Following the announcement that schools in Ontario will be returning to the prior 1998 sex-ed lesson plans, educators have begun dusting off old materials, which instruct students to ac…

Quick-thinking beachgoers save Elizabeth May trapped in plastic six ring pack

SAANICH, BC – A group of environmental do-gooders saved Green Party Leader and endangered species Elizabeth May who was found tangled in a web of six ring beer packs. “My partner and I were…

Summer camp proprietor really hoping these unexplained axe murders blow over

HALIBURTON, ON – With the body count of attractive teenage victims rising, local summer camp proprietor, Mel Heinman, 57, told reporters yesterday he really hopes all these unexplained axe-…

How can Cristiano Ronaldo be the greatest footballer of all time when he’s never won a Super Bowl?

EDITORIAL by Your High School Football Coach, Mr. Hapsfield I’ve been a fan of the great sport of football for my entire life, and lately a bunch of people are talking about this Cristiano Ronald…

Study: Anglo Canadian culture revealed just to be a series of brand loyalties

Hamilton, ON- A decade long study at McMaster University has found what many anthropologists have long suspected: that the sole feature of Anglo Canadian culture is identifying with certain brand…