Canada deploys 250 passive-aggressive peacekeepers to Mali

GAO – The twin rotors from the Chinook helicopters brought up red dust in their wake as the helicopters carrying the lead contingent of Canada’s UN passive-aggressive peacekeeping force lan…

Canada cuts out middleman in US trade war by negotiating directly with Putin

MOSCOW – The Canadian government has relocated its NAFTA trade negotiations to Russia, a diplomatic maneuver that will eliminate US President Donald Trump as a middleman. Five Canadian memb…

Doug Ford says asylum-seekers have run his business into the ground and stolen Renata’s inheritance

ETOBICOKE, ON – After claiming asylum-seekers were responsible for Toronto’s housing crisis, Doug Ford has added to the list of accusations, saying they’ve criminally mismanaged his family busine…

Rich friend suggests going to concert

CALGARY – Dave O’Neil, a local man who must have family money or something, has suggested to his group of friends that they all go see the upcoming Foo Fighters concert. “I think it would b…

America divided over meeting between their leader and President Trump

HELSINKI, FINLAND- Tensions continue to rise in America in the wake of a private meeting between President Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, Supreme Ruler of the United States. Supreme Ruler Putin…

Murder mystery dinner theatre ends in real death for 4th night in a row

VICTORIA – While audiences are marveling at the realism on display during the current production of ‘Whomdunit, A Mystery in Three Courses’ at the Waterfront Theatre and Bistro, authorities…

Tory MPP Oosterhoff relieved 10 year olds will no longer know more about sex than him

Niagara West, ON – 20 year old MPP Sam Oosterhoff announced today that one reason he was so delighted to see the Sex-Ed curriculum repealed was that he was sick of all these ‘cocky…

Immigration Minister apologizes to Ontario, admits being a dick to refugees is very Canadian

OTTAWA – After an incident in which he called Ontario’s new attitude to asylum-seekers “not Canadian” federal Immigration Minister Ahmed Hussen has issued a formal apology, admitting that treatin…

Apple unveils bold new keyboard design inspired by natural wonder known as class action lawsuit

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has refreshed its high-end MacBook Pro laptop line this week, featuring a revolutionary new keyboard design that was inspired by the class action lawsuits filed agains…

Old man in Driver’s Ed knows all the drinking and driving answers

Kingston, ON – The students and faculty of All Star Defensive Driving Academy were delighted to find a star pupil in 65 year old Derek Knox, who knew the answer to every single question pos…