Houseplant dead at three weeks

VICTORIA B.C. — The Collier family have announced with great sadness the passing of their household purple orchid, a mere three weeks after buying it. “Though we did our best to give it a home, o…

Millionaire condo owner regrets insisting on different entrance for social housing after installation of guillotine

VANCOUVER – Now that a large guillotine has been erected in front of the West End tower that contains his $2.4 million condo, investment banker Wesley Sanderson wants everyone to know how d…

Condom ad quickly running out of visual metaphors to signify cumming

New York, NY – The writing team behind Durex Ultrathin’s latest commercial have hit a stumbling block after realizing they have used up every known visual cue to let the audience know the p…

New immigrant family adjusting to Canadian life by ignoring colonial violence

WINNIPEG – As recent newcomers to Canada, the Khalil family have faced many challenges, but one of the greatest lessons they learned is that there is nothing more Canadian than ignoring the…

Meditation class helps local man be present in the shitty, shitty moment

Salmon Arm, BC – Local resident Tobias Efinggs is praising a recent mediation course as truly helping him to be more mindful and live in the terrible, awful present. “I used to spend my tim…

Pfizer says EpiPen shortage will not affect critical supply of Viagra

OTTAWA – One of the world’s largest pharmaceutical corporations issued a reassuring statement about availability of one of its most profitable and therefore life-saving prescription drugs t…

Local consultant not sure what he does, either

TORONTO – Eight months after starting work at his firm, local consultant Keith Calderon still has difficulty explaining what it is that he actually does for a living. “What does consultant …

Brand’s ‘About Us’ page only raises more questions

VANCOUVER – After a successfully ubiquitous, cross-platform ad campaign that asked consumers if they are good #inspirementalists, the brand Inspirementalism Inc. has enjoyed unprecedented g…

Ford dismantles Wynne legacy by scrapping law that says you can’t drown kittens on school property

TORONTO – After ending policies on carbon-pricing, vaping, ticket scalping, guaranteed income, and police oversight, Doug Ford has continued to dismantle the Liberal legacy by cancelling Ka…

3D-printed guns single-handedly saving crafting industry

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise move to many, the arts and crafts retail chain Michaels announced plans to join forces with the organization Defense Distributed in support of the US Justic…