Ford announces plan to cut Toronto City Council size by killing 1 million Torontonians

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford will be reducing the number of elected municipal representatives in Toronto by culling over a million of its residents. 47 councillors for approximately …

Doug Ford screws Toronto without consent

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has implemented a plan to reduce the size of Toronto city council from 47 to 25, thus ignoring boundaries that the city has clearly established, and scre…

Seth Rogen announced as new smell of Vancouver transit

VANCOUVER – Translink announced Thursday that commuters in Metro Vancouver are in for a pleasant surprise this summer: resident Hollywood A-lister Seth Rogen has been unveiled as the offici…

Fat kid’s cannonball dive produces disappointingly small splash

CHILLIWACK, B.C. – Wearing an XXL white t-shirt to cover his portly frame, witnesses report that local fat kid, Kyle Walker, 11, known to his friends as “Tiny” attempted a sorry excuse for …

Most requested sex act of 2021 is telling straight men they’re ‘one of the good ones’

Barrie, ON – Replacing 2020’s ‘Pegging,’ studies say that the most requested sex act in North America for straight men is now telling them that they’re ‘one of the good ones.’ “Nothing gets…

You won’t believe how far into this ‘millennial homeowner’ piece it takes for us to mention their inheritance!

Canada’s housing market is booming, and so are articles about people born between 1981 and 1996 who have somehow managed to afford homes! Meet Myrna, an industrious young woman who recently paid …

Canada Council for the Arts slashes live theatre budget to fund ‘pets in hats’ Instagram accounts

OTTAWA – The Canada Council for the Arts announced a controversial new grant in hopes of branching out into new media while leaving the future of Canadian theatre uncertain. The funding pre…

ISIS claims responsibility for Ezra Levant

TORONTO – The Islamic State has claimed responsibility for Ezra Levant, a source has confirmed. “Ezra Levant, soldier of the Islamic State, will continue to divide Canadians against one ano…

Trudeau’s tweet blamed for welcoming forests fires

OTTAWA – Conservative MPs were on the offensive today blaming a tweet made by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau that welcomed illegal forests fire crossing into Canada. While the opposition cou…

REPORT: Earth in Retrograde

TORONTO – When Mercury is in retrograde, it appears as though the planet closest to the sun is orbiting the Earth backwards. This phenomenon has become a catchall explanation for why people…