VANCOUVER – Sherri and Tucker Jackson love the support and individualized learning their daughter Braylyn receives at her alternative elementary school, but they were slightly confused when Braylyn gave them a small, unadorned bamboo box containing seven crystals and told them it was her report card.
“We couldn’t be happier with how Braylyn has grown academically since starting at Cherry Blossom Academy. We just wish we could figure out how much she’s grown,” Sherri said, picking through the crystals looking for a clue.
Cherry Blossom Academy, a private school that costs $10000 a year, is known for its alternative approaches to learning, including choosing one child in each class at random to ostracize all semester to teach the children about groupthink and a health and wellness module that consists entirely of the complete filmography of Gwyneth Paltrow.
“The rose quartz means empathy and healing. That’s good. Maybe she’s more empathetic than other kids,” Sherri said, checking a crystal meaning website. “But then this looks like stellerite, which is for dealing with outbursts of anger. Should we be worried? Unless maybe it’s this similar looking stone called stilbite, which helps with… fear. Oh my god, what if it’s stilbite?”
“I gotta say, I miss the more straightforward grading system at Braylyn’s previous alternative school,” her father Tucker said. “At the end of each month she’d bring home a tarot card and I’m proud to say that in three years my baby never brought home the death card.”
At press time, the Jacksons were wondering if interpreting the crystals was never the point and it’s the sound they make rattling in the box that represents Braylyn’s educational progress.