Quantum scientists discover that the more hair elastics you buy, the fewer you have access to

GENEVA – If you’ve ever wondered why, no matter how many you buy, you can never find a hair elastic when you need one, the scientists at CERN have finally discovered the problem: the act of…

New fitness trend: Making it out of a forest alive

HUNTSVILLE, ON – In the midst of ‘high intensity’ workout trends, there’s a new fitness program that aims to get people out into nature and hitting their fitness targets. “Survival Paleo”  …

Francophone politician slams Canada’s diversity for not assimilating his culture

OTTAWA – Conservative MP and former party leadership contender Maxime Bernier recently accused the Trudeau government of practicing “extremist multiculturalism” by not assimilating him into…

Couple enjoys romantic picnic dead centre of park’s off-leash area

Oshawa, ON – Sid and Sandy Jackson got their fifth wedding anniversary off to a charming start by having a celebratory picnic right in the middle of the off leash dog area of Lakefront West…

Financial planner recommends having more money

HALIFAX – Financial planner Marlene Singh has earnestly told her clients that, in order to be financially secure, they should have a lot more money. “In my professional opinion, I can not s…

Proud Boys apparently going to stick with that name

NEW YORK CITY – After two years of advocating “western chauvinism” in the form of wearing Fred Perry golf shirts and not masturbating it appears that far right group the Proud Boys are real…

Husky 12-year-old in dance recital winks seductively into audience of parents

SURREY, BC – According to sources in attendance at Simpkins Dance Academy’s annual all-ages showcase last Saturday, a 12-year-old dancer tossed her head irreverently to the side, and winked…

Woman always on vacation in your Instagram feed actually cocaine smuggler

PLAYA DEL CARMEN, MEXICO – After taking a series selfies in a tropical beach paradise, the gorgeous woman in your Instagram feed who always seems to be on vacation loaded a boat full of coc…

REPORT: Everyone remembers that awkward thing you did last year and they talk about it constantly

FORT MCMURRAY, AB – Confirming longtime suspicions, evidenced reports are coming in which confirm that, yes, everyone remembers that awkward thing you did last year and they talk about it c…

Woman less mad at cheating boyfriend and more in awe of his time management skills

VICTORIA, BC – During an argument with her boyfriend, Theresa Stover discovered that she isn’t so much mad as she is impressed by her cheating boyfriend, Devon Caputo’s, time management abi…