Eugene Melnyk figures now is a good time to ask Sens fans for another liver

OTTAWA – Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk has issued a statement through the organization asking the few remaining members of the Sens Army for another liver. In 2015, the Barbados-based…

Workplace round of Happy Birthday reveals no one sure of coworker’s name

CRANBROOK, B.C. – An otherwise ordinary round of Happy Birthday devolved into chaos at a crucial moment yesterday at the office of Cunningham & Partners, Ltd., exposing the office’s gen…

Saskatchewan kind of upset that you didn’t notice them using the notwithstanding clause earlier this year

REGINA – The Saskatchewan government announced today that it’s a little pissed that you didn’t even notice when the province used the notwithstanding clause this year to overrule a court de…

Jetsons reboot just family looking at their phones for 22 minutes

LOS ANGELES – Rebooting a nostalgic franchise for contemporary audiences, Hanna Barbera announced the latest incarnation of The Jetsons will include modern technology such as mobile phones,…

White friend just discovered this new show called “Atlanta”

KINGSTON, ON – Local white friend Conor Armstrong announced this week that he’s recently discovered an obscure new tv show called “Atlanta” — yeah, like the city. “It’s actually pretty good…

Yoga instructor who just finished two-week course excited to damage people’s spines

Kitsilano, BC — Newly certified yoga instructor Danielle Neal is looking forward to opening the hearts and warping the spines of members of her community. Neal’s fast-tracked “Power Yoga Tr…

Trying to appeal to suburban Canada, Jagmeet Singh delivers hateful speech against himself

OTTAWA – Attempting to gain the support of the Quebec and Saskatchewan NDP caucuses and assuage fears about his ability to appeal to rural Canadians, Jagmeet Singh used a recent speech to l…

‘Doug is doing the right thing’ says man who would lose his shit if Trudeau invoked the Notwithstanding Clause

Our award winning* podcast returns! Luke explains the reason for the longer than expected hiatus and updates everyone on what’s been going on these past 10 months. Then he and the Panel (Ka…

10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on

Ontario Premier Doug Ford said he will be using section 33 of the Constitution to overrule a court decision on the size of Toronto Council. However, few know he has used it in 10 other occasions …

“He never tried to eat me,” friends defend cannibal

AJAX, ON — Friends of accused cannibal, Robert Black, are rushing to his defence after a tip to police revealed a freezer full of limbs in the basement of his house. “Look, I know Rob. He’s…