Ontario News Now host blinks Morse code for help

TORONTO – While delivering her propaganda report to Ontarians to justify eliminating city councillor seats while lambasting the Ontario PC’s opponents, staffer Lyndsey Vanstone blinked out …

Doug Ford’s Midnight Society introduces only the most horrifying legislation

QUEEN’S PARK — To speed through passage of his controversial Bill 31 cutting Toronto city council in half, last night Doug Ford held a midnight session where members could pass their most “…

Trump orders FEMA to put all their efforts into cleaning up devastation of Manafort guilty plea

WASHINGTON – The White House has released a statement authorizing the Federal Emergency Management Agency to redirect all of its resources to the destructive impact of Paul Manafort’s coope…

New Brunswick election update: New Brunswick appears to be having an election

FREDERICTION – Although unconfirmed, reports from inside the long forgotten land of New Brunswick suggests the locals are in the process of choosing a new Premier. “Obviously we don&#…

Starship from old ‘flying through space’ screensaver finally reaches destination

THE INTERNET – Fans of classic screensavers were privy to a very special sight today as the starship that has been live-streaming its journey in the form of the starfield/warp screensaver a…

Sir Topham Hatt resigns amid allegations of being “weird with the trains”

ISLAND OF SODOR – Sir Topham Hatt, the longtime controller of the North West Railway on the Island of Sodor, resigned at a press conference yesterday after several reports surfaced of bizar…

Undercover cop at high school successfully completes high school

Victoria, BC – After five years of fruitlessly investigating minor drug crimes at a local high school, sources have confirmed that undercover RCMP officer Frank ‘Frankie’ DeRosa…

Weird cousin performs two hours of knife tricks at family gathering

BURNABY BC – Guests of Aunt Linda’s annual summer barbeque were dumbfounded last Saturday when fourteen year-old Riley Cresswell performed knife tricks at them for 2 hours. “He dropped it a…

Poll finds 17% of Canadians would support Maxime Bernier’s party just to see look on Andrew Scheer’s face

OTTAWA—A new poll shows that a surprisingly high number of Canadians would support the new People’s Party launched by Maxime Bernier solely for the pleasure of watching Conservative leader Andrew…

Rise in conspiracy theories revealed to be driven by corkboard, string manufacturers

WASHINGTON D.C. — A federal task force has determined that the recent rise in online conspiracy theories has in fact been a well-coordinated plot by several powerful corporations designed t…