New breed of action hero coolly walks toward explosion

HOLLYWOOD – Tired of the same old action movie trope of the badass protagonist calmly strolling away from an explosion he just caused, film producers are pushing for their heroes to break t…

75% of dogs’ nighttime anxiety caused by humans having sex in front of them

VANCOUVER – A new study from the University of British Columbia has officially proven that – similar to humans – dogs feel acute anxiety at nighttime, and that this anxiety is d…

Baby would like you to try his mashed sweet potato too

Kingston, ON — Upon completing his dinner, Joe Johnston, age 8 months and two weeks, would very very much like to share his mashed sweet potato with you. “At first I was like, no I’m fine”,…

Industrious woman spends entire night calculating the hours she has left to sleep

TORONTO – Fresh off a week of sleepless nights, local insomniac Amy Woodford decided to try a brilliant new tactic of meticulously mentally documenting how many hours of rest she could hypo…

Old man in locker room waits until last possible second to put dick away

BRANDON, MB – Sources are reporting that local senior citizen Morris Nesbit set a record recently in the changing facilities of the Brandon Super Fitness Centre by accomplishing every singl…

Leafs tickets 33% off since team only plays two periods

TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs are offering discounted tickets that are two-thirds of the price as the team only seems to play for 40 minutes. The team’s box office has given fans a brea…

Trudeau distracts from SNC-Lavalin scandal with impromptu ‘Comedy Roast of Indigenous Protesters’

TORONTO — While getting heckled during a Liberal Party fundraiser, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau elected to turn the event into a spontaneous “Comedy Roast of Indigenous Protesters” i…

Anti-citrus parents believe “a touch of scurvy” leads to better outcomes in child pirates

SPANISH MAIN – Believing that a bout of scurvy during childhood can lead to a young swashbuckler who is stout of heart and strong of arm, some parents are aggressively touting the benefits …

Brexit deadline officially pushed back to Claire Danes’ birthday

LONDON – The EU has granted the UK’s request to push the deadline for Brexit from its previous date of March 29 to April 12, the birthday of American actor Claire Danes. “This added time wi…

Report: Bank cheques cost how fucking much?

TORONTO – In a survey of the nation’s major banks, a new report published today states that ordering cheques from your bank can cost anywhere from “Wait, how fucking much?” to “Jesus, you g…