TORONTO – Yesterday, thousands of distraught fans of the Canadian National Exhibition took a moment out of their day to lower their sticks of deep-fried butter out of respect for the cancelled f...
Colony of mask pimples enter industrial revolution
KINGSTON- Anthropologists were left stunned last week as the colony of mask pimples they had been monitoring advanced past the agrarian stage and entered their own industrial revolution. “It’s really ...
Trudeau planning fall election after determining Canadians haven’t suffered enough this year
OTTAWA – The Liberals are set to announce a fall election after determining these past 18 months hasn’t been quite painful enough for Canadians. “Sure there’s been a pandemic, economic crash, po...
Canada’s top BDSM doctor says wear a mask, leash, tight leather to prevent spread of COVID-19
OTTAWA – Canada’s Chief BDSM Doctor is recommending Canadians wear masks, leashes, tight leather, and other items to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Dr. Octovia Slayer says that everyone should ...
Impatient sous chef pre shakes water for it to boil faster
RICHMOND HILL, ON – Local sous chef, Darryl Donwyn, recently shook a pot of water to make it boil faster at restaurant Le Lentement. “He still has a lot to learn,” said head chef Saffron Melrose...
“I want to go to grad school” recognized as a cry for help by the W.H.O.
LONDON, ON- After years of examining the connections between sanity and higher education, chief scientists at the World Health Organization have declared the act of attending grad school an indicator ...
Toronto Police allowed to turn off body cams if they are planning a surprise party
TORONTO – The Toronto Police recently unveiled their new body cameras which will record every interaction officers have with the public unless the officer involved is in the middle of planning a...
Billion-dollar public transit infrastructure ready now that everyone works from home
OTTAWA – After years of waiting and billions of dollars spent, ambitious public transit projects are finally ready now that everyone is working remotely. Trains, buses, and subways across major ...
Kisko unveils new lambskin freezie that won’t cut your mouth when you suck it dry
WOODBRIDGE, ON – Kisko announced a bold new change to its popular Mr. Freeze freezies that will see the plastic sheath replaced with lambskin to protect customers’ mouths when they grip an...
