“I want to go to grad school” recognized as a cry for help by the W.H.O. - The Beaverton

“I want to go to grad school” recognized as a cry for help by the W.H.O.

LONDON, ON- After years of examining the connections between sanity and higher education, chief scientists at the World Health Organization have declared the act of attending grad school an indicator of mental instability.

Our research shows the overwhelming result that anyone who willingly continues their education past their bachelor’s degree is obviously just fucking nuts,” explained main project researcher Lisa Prasad. “We could not come to a solid conclusion why anyone who is emotionally sound would actively choose to have to write annotated bibliographies post-undergrad.”

The W.H.O.’s most recent experiment involved having 200 adults interviewed about their future plans. Participants who mentioned graduate school were given small electric shock and promptly asked, “DO YOU REALLY WANNA WRITE A 40+ PAGE PAPER? HUH? DO YA PUNK!?” Participants who responded with “yes” were shown photos of PhD students during their daily mental breakdowns in an attempt to scare them straight.

Those pictures were pretty chilling, but I still think it would be kind of interesting to further pursue the field of 17th-century Canadian horse poetry in an academic setting,” expressed obviously insane Francesca Sandberg, who participated in the study. “I also have no job prospects or anything else remotely important going on in my life, so why not, right?”

The W.H.O. notes that anyone who is considering grad school should seek immediate help from a therapist, loved one, or even a really nice cat that they could pet while re-evaluating their life choices. If that doesn’t work? “They should sell all of their belongings and move to a remote Icelandic town where they can just chill out for a bit and then eventually become something productive like an ice fisherman,” said Prasad.

At press time, the W.H.O. is working on a new study exploring why theatre majors are just so darn quirky.