TORONTO – The Court of Appeal for Ontario has rejected noted psychologist and asshole Jordan Peterson’s attempt to avoid attending an anti-assholery class required by the College of Psychologists of Ontario.
“Dr. Peterson has demonstrated on many occasions that he is an asshole, and he has every right to be an asshole,” said a spokesperson for the CPO. “However, he does not have the right to be a member of our professional organization while being an asshole. Given that we are a profession dedicated to mental health, we naturally require all members either not be assholes or at least be self-aware enough to be able to hide the fact that they are assholes.”
Peterson, who hasn’t seen patients since 2017 due to his intensely off-putting manner and inability to behave like an empathetic human being for a fifty minute counseling session, was relying on the court to override the CPO’s requirement that he take anti-asshole training. His argument, that he is a special boy and special boys shouldn’t have to follow the rules, was not accepted by the court.
“Now, Dr. Peterson has two choices,” the CPO spokesperson continued. “He can take the class, and learn how to control himself so his online presence is not identical to that of a 13-year-old boy who’s furious at the world because his testicles haven’t yet dropped, or he can lose his licence to practice. Or he can do both, which would be ideal, because oh my god, this guy is such an asshole and we are so tired of having to deal with all of his shit.”
At press time, Jordan Peterson had published a long manifesto about how he’s history’s greatest victim because he has to take a class about why it’s unprofessional to insult strangers’ bodies and history’s greatest hero because he doesn’t wanna.