Nation’s mothers hail 18-year-old tennis champion Victoria Mboko as new unattainable standard for you to live up to

OTTAWA – Following Canadian tennis phenom Victoria Mboko’s victory at the National Bank Open final, the Canadian Association Of Pressuring Mothers has proclaimed her as their new base…

Pros and Cons of solving traffic congestion by building a big ass tunnel under the 401

Doug Ford continues to push ahead with plans to dig a 19.5 metre wide, multi-story tunnel under the 401 in order to solve the issue of traffic congestion once and for all. Here are some of the pr…

Elon Musk releases new baby name book, “From Arargnft to Zrrfppfortt”

BOCA CHICA, TEXAS – Troubled businessman and 53-year-old memelord Elon Musk has once again made headlines with a new business venture, announcing the release of his new baby name book “From…

Apple TV+ spends $1 billion on the perfect film, then burns it as a tax write-off

Cupertino, CA- Apple TV+, the free-spending streaming service run as a ploy to lower its parent company’s tax bill, announced today that it has financed, produced, and set fire to a monumen…

North York condo penthouse boasts dazzling views of absolutely nothing

Move over Burj Khalifa, you’ve got to check out this just listed North York penthouse condo with breathtaking views of nothing whatsoever. Featuring floor to ceiling 360 degree panoramic windows …

STUDY: 95% of Millennial birds expect to never own their birdhouses

OTTAWA – A recent survey of birds born in the early 90s shows that three out of four of them expect to never own the birdhouse they live in, and will have to rent from humans forever. “When…

Trump says Canada backing Palestinian statehood jeopardizes U.S. trade deal he was gonna break anyway

WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S.President Donald Trump has announced that Canada’s decision to recognize Palestinian statehood will “make it very hard for us to make a Trade Deal with them, which I h…

Home prices plummet from ‘not a fucking chance’ to ‘look into buying for 5 seconds before giving up’ levels

“If prices keep falling we could even get to ‘talk to your bank and get quickly laughed out of the room’ levels. We haven’t been that low since 2019!” Luke and the P…

Elder Millennial opens zip file of cherished memories

Brandon, MB – While doing some cleaning around her hard drive, local 39-year-old Hannah Greensly has stumbled upon an old zip file containing all her photos from the aughts and is currently…

Local car crash victim remembered as “nothing special, if we’re being honest”

SUDBURY, ON ― Friends and family of 23-year-old Seamus Bryant are coming together to express their extreme shock and substantially more moderate grief for what they unanimously described as a “pe…