Trump promises shutdown will not impact essential U.S. government services like Bombings and Coups
“Don’t worry, we still have enough funds to indiscriminately bomb people on small boats near the coast of Venezuela.” Luke and the Panel (Nile Seguin, Clare Blackwood, Megan Mac…
New Tron movie looks pretty co – aw, shit is Jared Leto in this?
Saint John, New Brunswick – Initial excitement over the latest entry in Disney’s sci-fi Tron franchise was ruined when it was discovered it also stars Jared Leto. During a recent family mov…
5 tips to avoid conversations with other parents at the playground
Canadians are a friendly bunch, famous for our warmth and approachability. Despite this reputation, many of us find interactions with strangers painfully awkward. Among the worst kind is when our…
Jared Kushner surprised $55 Billion Electronic Arts buyout does not include $10 Billion DLC
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia – Silver Lake Partners, Saudi Arabia’s sovereign wealth fund, and Jared Kushner were shocked when they found out their $55 Billion buyout of EA did not include the new,…
America’s influencers suspiciously all start endorsing feudalism
PALO ALTO, CA – Across the United States and Canada social media users have noticed a recent trend of influencers heartily endorsing a system of landowning elites extracting service and lab…
Riyadh Comedy Festival opens with up-and-coming executioner
RIYADH, KSA – As Saudi Arabia’s new comedy festival welcomes talent from around the world, local executioner Imad Usman is excited for the opportunity to perform in front of larger audiences. “I…
15-second ad ruins hour of mindless scrolling
CALGARY – Local scroller Kyle Townsend has been forced to watch a brief commercial for paper towels, completely ruining his hour spent flitting aimlessly between Instagram, X/Twitter, Facebook, a…
Trump’s Hollywood tariffs force Dune 3 to shoot in Mississippi
Jackson, Arrakis – President Donald Trump’s proposed tariffs on movies filmed in other countries has forced Dune producers to relocate to Jackson, Mississippi. “It doesn’t quite match the d…
Subway unveils latest sloppy food tube
TORONTO – Reporters have gathered at Toronto’s Yorkville Subway to witness the sandwich company’s latest breakthrough in the field of ladling a bunch of sauce onto some salty meat crammed in a tu…
Netanyahu calls Canadian recognition of Palestine the worst thing anyone has ever done to Palestine
NEW YORK – In a speech before the UN General Assembly, Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu declared that Canada officially recognizing Palestine as a state is worse than anything else he could im…
