CALGARY – Sources at the Central Library have reported that Bryce Spooner, who said “Hell yeah, let the good times roll, baby!” when he began A Tale of Two Cities, is about to get his fucking teeth ki...
Universities promise students can skip final exams if in-person learning causes them to die
NATIONWIDE – With Canadian universities resuming on-site classes after the latest COVID wave, several institutions announced new policies allowing students to miss final exams in the event that ...
Bar finally set low enough for mediocre man to become hero
TORONTO, ON ― After years of plummeting faith in the male population has set expectations to a new low, local man Todd Ernst’s average existence has now been deemed “heroic” by his local neighbours. “...
Man clearly wants you to ask about his cape
WINNIPEG – According to friends and family, Winnipeg resident David Leiter has begun wearing a cape and is obviously hoping that people will ask him why. “I think Dave might’ve lost his job or his do...
Building off COVID strategy, Ontario announces all students got As after they stopped testing
TORONTO – In the wake of the province’s successful ‘if we don’t test for COVID, we won’t have high rates of COVID’ strategy, Education officials have announced that...
Apple unveils single-use Macbook with zero ports
CUPERTINO — At today’s much anticipated Apple Event, Tim Cook stunned viewers by introducing their first-ever single-use Macbook, dubbed the Macbook Zero. During his Keynote address, Cook addressed th...
TSN, Sportsnet locked in fierce battle to see who can provide worse streaming service
TORONTO – Long-time competitors TSN and Sportsnet are continuing their years-long battle to see who can provide the lowest quality online streaming option for Canadians still willing to pay to w...
“It’s just not the same when we can’t terrorize residents,” says Freedom Convoy Protestor on return to Parliament Hill
OTTAWA – As Freedom Convoy protestors returned to Ottawa this weekend without their trucks, BBQs and hot tubs, many expressed their disappointment at having to just do a “regular protest&#...
New ‘Vancouver’ edition Peloton bike includes daily theft attempt
VANCOUVER – High-end exercise equipment maker Peloton Interactive has debuted a new subscription service for their line of stationary bicycles designed to give riders the full experience of owni...
Roll up the Rim is back and so is the threat of nuclear winter!
VANCOUVER, BC – Canadians are in for a treat this week with the return of two beloved national pastimes: Tim Horton’s Roll up the Rim contest – and also worrying about the devastating outcome of...
