UVALDE, TX – Following revelations that police in Uvalde, Texas waited up to an hour in a parking lot outside Robb Elementary before attempting to stop the shooter inside, police department offi...
Escape room owners trapped by own business decisions
VANCOUVER – Business owners Diane Blatford and Tom Slodder are reportedly feeling trapped by their decision to open an escape room. The duo opened No Way Out in March 2020, shortly before strict COVID...
Pearson International security lines backed up to Billy Bishop Airport
TORONTO – Officials at Pearson International Airport confirm that extensive delays have resulted in a 26.7-kilometres-long lineup for security, stretching all the way into the lobby of the downt...
“I don’t know anything about the other candidates” is both worst and best reason to vote for Ford
Halton Hills, ON ― Political analysts have determined that your grandfather’s rationale for voting Conservative in June of “I haven’t heard anything about this Del Duca guy” is complete bullshit, and ...
Countries outside U.S. mark another day without action movies, violent video games or mental illness
LONDON – The countries of the world (except America) enjoyed another day without a mass shooting, a fact entirely attributable to the reality that nowhere but the U.S.A. do people watch action m...
Touch typing nears irrelevancy as speech-to-text technology proves flawless—new paragraph
Speech-to-text (STT) programs have made great strides in recent years, to the extent of making touch typing irrelevant. STT has vast applications for many demographics comma from university students t...
Republicans relieved no fetuses killed in Texas school shooting
Uvalde, TX – A wave of relief washed over the Republican party today as they learned no fetuses were harmed in yesterday’s shootings at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas. “Thank God,” said...
Man greets spring by swallowing mouthful of gnats
TORONTO, ON – After a long winter, local man Jonathan Pearce was looking forward to welcoming the spring weather yesterday with a celebratory bike ride on the Waterfront Trail. His excitement fo...
Flames head coach starting to think team should cover this McDavid guy
EDMONTON – Ahead of Game 4 Calgary Flames head coach Darryl Sutter unveiled a secret plan to actually play defense against Oilers forward Connor McDavid. “Our strategy of just letting him ...
Heartbreaking! This woman’s boss just asked her to share her screen with, like, zero warning!
Horror! Marketing manager Jessica Burns reported that her boss Sherry, without any notice or provocation, asked her to share her screen during a team-wide Google Meets call today which was honestly ju...
