UVALDE, TX – Following revelations that police in Uvalde, Texas waited up to an hour in a parking lot outside Robb Elementary before attempting to stop the shooter inside, police department officials have vowed that they will put any and all funding increases into getting those wait times up even higher.
“Our officers avoided doing anything to help, and actively prevented others from assisting from the moment they arrived at Robb Elementary,” explained police spokesperson Michael Banks, “however, budget constraints only allowed them to keep this up for about as long as it takes to get a new pair of glasses from LensCrafters. We’re hoping that city and state officials will finally give us the financial resources to increase those crucial wait times to the point that you could fit in a Marvel movie, or if we’re lucky, maybe even long enough for a DC movie! With increased funding, we can do less for longer.”
Many have criticized the length of time it took for any members of law enforcement to take action, but Banks clarified: “An hour may seem like a long time, but it’s barely long enough for a squad of cops to get their stories straight about how they were still the heroes of the day.”
The city of Uvalde currently spends only 40 percent of their entire budget on policing, which is why officers are calling for the city to divert a full 100 percent of its funding toward police resources such as comfortable folding chairs and drink coolers to make waiting outside the scene of horrific and preventable massacres a more enjoyable experience.
“I have heard some people use the inaction of the Uvalde police as a reason to call for defunding the police, and I find that to be a very irresponsible suggestion,” said Banks in a press conference. “Without a well-funded police department, who would be there to handcuff desperate parents hoping to save their children? Nobody. Who would attempt to obscure the details about what really happened in order to save their reputation? Nobody. Who would allow an hour to go by without trying to solve an urgent crisis? Nobody. Be careful what you wish for!”
An investigation by police into the handling of this school shooting by their fellow officers has already been released. It recommends all officers be given participation trophies and includes an invoice for several million dollars to pay for them.