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Jailed Ottawa protestors offer to co-run prison with warden
OTTAWA, ON – Several arrested protestors from the downtown occupation have offered to co-run the prison where they are being held. The prisoners have released a “Declaration of Understandin…
Person who does not live in Ottawa sympathizes with protesters
UXBRIDGE, ON – A non-Ottawa resident is calling on police to stop the removal of Freedom Convoy protesters currently occupying downtown Ottawa. In a 500 word Facebook post, Ann Martin of Ux…
Family of NFT enthusiast just wish he’d go back to cult
VANCOUVER – Family members of Adam Newsom, 27, have reportedly become nostalgic for the days when all he talked about was his cult, as opposed to his current obsession of NFTs. “I remember …
“Thank Christ, we needed this” says nation
BEIJING – The Canadian women’s hockey team has won the Olympic gold medal, prompting an exhausted nation to declare “Holy fucking shit, thank you.” “Between two and a half years of COVID and all …
Award-winning death metal band turns out to be dishwasher full of old nails
STOCKHOLM – Fans of the Swedish death metal band Malfunctioning Whirlpool were shocked to discover that the hit musical group is actually nothing more than recordings of an old dishwasher r…
Negotiating with the convoy may have legitimized them, but at least it accomplished absolutely nothing
By: Jim Watson, Mayor of Ottawa I understand many Ottawa residents and Canadians as a whole were angered by my decision to negotiate with the convoy leaders, because it signified them as a legiti…
Opinion: I didn’t get it at first but once you start fucking Pete Davidson it totally makes sense
LOS ANGELES – By 2025, the World Health Organization predicts 80 percent of the world’s population will have contracted COVID-19, and 91 percent will have fucked Pete Davidson. I fucked Pe…
Ottawa police chief resigns to spend more time with friends and loved ones
OTTAWA — As Ottawa enters its third week of occupation by Freedom Convoy protestors, Ottawa Police Chief Peter Sloly tendered his resignation today, citing a desire to spend more quality time wit…
Wait, what? This lesbian movie has a happy ending
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Last week, Digimagine Filmworks released their anticipated lesbian period drama, Calling The Wife. However, viewers were shocked to find out that the film actually had a hap…
