OTTAWA – In a recent statement, the nation’s millennials have called for the definition of “youth” to be urgently changed to whatever age they are right now.
“This is a crisis,” says Ashley Molina, spokesperson for the millennials. “Youth is generally interpreted as 18-25, which means virtually every millennial has now aged out of this category. This is a matter of the utmost importance to anyone who has ever bragged about remembering when 9/11 happened.”
According to Molina, redefining youth to mean people between 26 and 41 will be transformational for millennials — herself especially. “Now when I tell my coworker I haven’t checked my credit score in 18 months, instead of recommending debt consolidation she’ll be legally obligated to say “that’s sooooo Jess from New Girl”.”
Matt Sehgal, who is 37 but a self-described “Love Is Blind 23”, says the change is long overdue. “If I’m not young, then why do I still get ID’d when I boot for my girlfriend?”
Not everyone is thrilled with the millennials’ plans, however. “If 18-25 year olds can’t call ourselves youth anymore, then what are we?” says Snapchat influencer Cassie Wu. When reached for comment, the millennials clarified that the new category would be “Literally 12”.
Molina says sustainability of the millennials’ solution is imperative. Moving forward, a clause in their proposal would require the definition of youth to be increased by 1 year annually the day before the birthday of Jason Boissevain, Canada’s eldest millennial and soon-to-be grandfather of two.
In related news, baby boomers are now calling for the minimum voting age to be raised to however old they currently are.