CANADA — After a Democratic blue wave swept the U.S. midterms tonight, and Democrats took back both the House and the Senate from the Republican party, Canada wishes to gently, yet firmly, let all of America know that we will still not be taking you back.
We know that we have had a long, complicated, but often beautiful history, America. We have done so many wonderful things together. Remember the Great Lakes Water Quality Agreement of 1972? Oh man, good times. Or how about Gander, on 9/11? We were there for you. Because we were partners.
Were.
And of course, there have been hard times, like the War of 1812. Or last year when the Dodgers beat the Blue Jays and made our whole country cry. Oh yeah, or the whole “Your president keeps threatening to invade us and calls us ‘nasty people’ and tariffs us relentlessly over stupid bullshit reasons we had nothing to do with and won’t stop calling our Prime Minister ‘the Governor of Canada’” thing. That too.
Actually, it’s mostly that.
So it is with a heavy heart, America, that we in Canada state that, although you’ve decided to clean up your act and get your life together, our love will not be so easily regained. We are so, so happy for you! We swear! Thrilled! Who doesn’t love to see an ex start to thrive again? But, come on. We have dignity to maintain.
That’s not to say that we can’t be won back, of course! God knows we’re a sucker for second-chance romances. But it’s going to take more than a midterm election and way too many of your elected officials begging us to buy their alcohol again to make us forget about the time a LOT of you elected a narcissistic rapist pedophile who renamed one of our Great Lakes.
We really aren’t asking for much. We don’t expect you to stand on our Southern border holding a boombox playing Barenaked Ladies. But we just need some more time. And more space. Like, so much space from so many of your weird, gross politicians.
For example: Pete Hoekstra! If you take him back, consider that a step towards reconciling our once-great love affair. Hell, maybe even two steps! He sucks so much.
xo,
Canada
