THE WOODS – After a sweeping victory in the B.C. provincial election that saw the B.C. Conservatives win 64 out of 93 seats, the party is commemorating their win by burning down a large portion of what’s left of the province’s old growth forests.
“We wanted to have a little fun and simultaneously signal to the private sector that we won’t be precious about the little things, like the continued existence of 1000-year-old trees,” said B.C. Conservative leader and premier-designate Lorne Doerkson, lighting a match.
The party initially planned to only burn down a small municipal park to celebrate what they hoped would be a successful campaign, but their overwhelming election victory led them to reconsider and think bigger. Their celebratory fire, which has grown to several hectares, is now blanketing a significant portion of the province in smoke and shows no signs of abating.
“While the B.C. NDP actually did an admirable job of letting lumber companies log many of the province’s old growth forests, we needed to take things a step further to differentiate ourselves, to let every industry know that B.C. is open for business like never before. And nothing says open for business like a fire sale. Everything must go!” Doerkson continued, bathed in a warm, orange glow.
“This won’t be the only area where we have to get a little creative to make it clear that the government has changed. Since the B.C. NDP was so heavily pro-LNG and had accepted Alberta’s new oil pipeline, we have to be even more enthusiastic about giving extraction industries anything and everything to make them understand that they’re our main constituency,” Doerkson said. “So we’re announcing that, in addition to removing as many environmental regulations as possible, we’re also preemptively killing any endangered or protected species that might get in their way.”
“Orcas have had it too good in this province for too long,” Doerkson said, coughing as the wind shifted and brought the sweet-smelling smoke of thousands of burning trees towards him and the other MLAs.
At press time, the B.C. Conservative party was seen dancing triumphantly around several burned-out EVs while chanting “No new taxes! No new taxes!”
