OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney’s latest move in the ongoing trade war against the U.S. has been described as possibly his most aggressive, as he announced last week that his government would put a new export tariff on imaginary women whom American men claim to be dating.
“If President Trump continues to use needless economic aggression against us, then starting next week, Americans in the US who claim to be dating a woman who lives in Canada so their friends don’t ask to meet them will have to pay an extra 50% every time they mention them,” Carney stated in a recent press release.
“Converted into CAD, of course,” he added.
Statisticians estimate that if as many women lived in Canada as insecure American men claim, the nation’s gender ratio would be skewed 27 to 1. While Canada is by and far the largest importer of fake girlfriends to the incel capital of the world, other suppliers to the States include Britain, Australia, and Qualland, which is not a real country but sounds realistic enough to fit in with what most Americans know of geography.
Still, some within Canada’s massive “phoney romance industry” are worried about the effects this announcement will have on their livelihoods. Corey Aarons, who runs a small business falsifying evidence for US citizens who claim to have cross-border relations, is worried about the business he will lose if the tariffs come to pass.
“This couldn’t come at a worse time!” Aarons said, taking a break from photoshopping a romantic picture of a couple in Niagara Falls. “The school year is about to start, which means hundreds of American college boys are going to be sweating buckets when their friends ask them if they hooked up with anyone over the summer. But these tariffs are going to be an impassable barrier for a lot of my customers, most of whom are high schoolers or unemployed.”
“Bad enough my industry is already having to compete with AI companions. If my business goes under, I might have to do what a lot of my competitors are doing, and sell it to the Russians.”
Over the past few decades, fake girlfriends from Canada have increased in popularity across the border, as the dwindling number of “other schools” in America has made it difficult for the domestic product to reach the same level of plausibility.
Many in the United States are confirming that these tariffs will significantly cripple the American economy if they are passed. Lawrence Alston, a Boston-based economist, states that having to pay more for false validation could cost America billions per month.
“Artificial girlfriends are possibly the single most important Canadian import for our country, right behind potash,” Alston told the press from his office after finishing a call with his girlfriend Rachel McAdams. “While Americans with no game could get one of the AI girlfriends from many other countries, they can’t match the artisanal quality that goes into the Canadian ones. And I’m not just talking about the ones that are supposed to be artisans themselves.”
“If President Trump doesn’t come back to the table, they could end sex for hundreds of Americans by shutting off Pornhub!”
While some economists are criticizing the tariffs as a risky move that might provoke the Trump administration, political analysts have suggested it may be an effective strategy, as many Republican Senators are suspected of lying about having a fling with a woman who lives in Montreal last summer.
At press time, middle-aged men across America released a collective sigh of relief after learning the tariffs do not apply to tall tales about fishing in Canadian waters
