TORONTO – Local naturalists received a miraculous surprise last week after a pair of bald eagles were seen building a nest in Toronto, with zero evidence of having an unrelated roommate to split the rent with.
“The birdhousing market in Toronto is so crazy, even a one-bedroom tree branch can cost $400,000 on average,” says local ornithologist Marcy Fields. “Usually, a bird of prey can’t afford to live in this city unless they’re the escaped pet of a wealthy family, or literal empty nesters who can’t afford to sell. But these ones are settling in without having to share with even a crow.”
Recent studies have shown that birds that can afford to live on their own, instead of going in on a place with a nestmate, avoid several hurdles in life. These include having to pick up the other’s trash, accidentally hatching their eggs for them, and dealing with the cat their roommate failed to mention having.
However, not everyone is taking the eagle’s arrival as a positive sign. Dr. Edward Ruddley, a former professor of conservation at Ryerson University, states that bald eagles may be indicative of what he thinks is wrong with the Toronto nest market.
“Why is it that a peregrine falcon that was hatched in Toronto has to deliver Uber Eats to make ends meet in this town, while these fine feathered foreign investors can swoop in and immediately get an eyrie?” Ruddley asked, seemingly ignorant of the fact that bald eagles are numerous in British Columbia.
“If Uncle Sam the Eagle doesn’t start reigning in these birds who are clearly just using Canadian real estate as investment properties, the local bird population is going to go the way of the dodo – priced right out of the market/ecosystem.”
According to Fields, Toronto was once a town with a very thriving avian community, before discrimination and deforestation caused many of them to migrate to the suburbs. Formerly thriving bird neighbourhoods in Toronto include Etobicrow, St. Clair Nest, Yonge and Egg-linton, Robinsvalle, North Stork, Les-seagull-ville, and Really High Park.
“Back in the 50’s they wouldn’t let birds live near the airport. Which they still shouldn’t today if you think about it,” Fields reports. “Things have changed now, but are still tough for first-time nestowners. The new zoning by-laws make it tough to even build your own nest with all the red tape. And not the kind of red tape that would actually be useful for making a bird nest.”
“Between that, and the rising costs of worms, it makes sense that most birds are communing into the city for either 2 hours on the 401, or 30 minutes as the bird flies.”
Some experts theorize eagle populations across North America may be flocking to cities after realizing their incredible eyesight can be used to watch Netflix from a neighbour’s window without having to pay for it.
In related news, a High Park nest recently sold for $555,000 over asking to a human family of seven.
