TORONTO – Last week, Ontario premier Doug Ford announced that his administration is committed to bringing the COVID-19 situation under control by no later than the 7th major spike in cases.
“While the province is undoubtedly still struggling in this pandemic, Ontarians can rest assured that we are working hard to bring in an end to this crisis in as few as five more lockdowns.” Ford said from Queen’s Park. “I would like to say it will be done sooner, but I think we all know a few more preventable deaths are in the cards for now.”
Ford also outlined his plans for the next few waves in the province. “Wave three will most likely come when we finally have enough vaccines for everyone and lift the stay at home order, only to bungle the distribution and cause another spike in cases. We should be able to get Ontarians vaccinated in time for a new strain of the disease to hit us, which will bring us to wave 4. That’s when we will close down Wal-mart but keep all the schools open so we can be right on track for wave 5.”
While Ford didn’t want to spoil any of his administration’s future disasters, he advised that he is working to get to the 7th wave as quickly as possible. “While you should expect to see some of your favourite Ford government blunders, we’ve got some new stuff in the works too! If I get approval to drive down to Pfizer to pick up more vaccines, you better believe I’m not wearing a mask the whole trip!”
With many public health experts agreeing this is the best outcome we can expect from the current government, Ford is reportedly excited to move from mismanaging the pandemic so he can get back to mismanaging the province like he originally intended.
