WASHINGTON – In a move that seems to support President Trump’s claim that the Russia investigation is a witch hunt, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has indicted hag and Russian national Baba Yaga on nine criminal counts, including conspiracy to eat US children.
“From her chicken-legged hut deep in a Russian forest, the defendant allegedly enchanted her flying mortar so that it could reach the United States,” said US Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein in a special statement at the Department of Justice. “This was part of the defendant’s broader plan to sow fear and distrust among children on US soil.”
“Although we believe the defendant used a broom of silver birch to sweep away her tracks, the FBI was able to uncover evidence of the Bone Mother’s crimes through advanced metadata analysis.”
In addition to the conspiracy charge, the indictment alleges that Yaga forged documents and magically altered her shrivelled face to appear to be a young, mortal American, resulting in four counts of identity fraud, two counts of aggravated identity theft, and one count of making false statements to the FBI.
Although it is in the Special Counsel’s purview to prosecute any crimes uncovered in the course of the investigation into Russian interference during the US presidential election, certain right-wing personalities have dubbed the probe a ‘fishing expedition’ and called for Mueller’s firing.
“The deep state is back at it,” said Fox News host Sean Hannity on the Sean Hannity Show earlier today. “To justify spending millions of taxpayers’ money on this hoax, they’ve turned to accusing a frail old woman who just happens to have iron teeth. This is a WITCH HUNT!”
While it is unclear whether Baba Yaga herself has ties to the Russian government or to Trump campaign officials, analysts have said that, taken together, the nineteen indictments of humans and one magical arch-crone point to a criminal conspiracy that will likely engulf Trump and his inner circle.
Still, the US president said in a tweet this morning that he felt exonerated by the latest development:
“Only `unwitting’ Americans involved in Yaga’s crimes. No collusion, no obstruction. Totally vindicated!”
In a subsequent Tweet, Trump blamed Barack Obama for inaction in his final year as US President:
“Question: If Obama knew that the Wild Old Hag was plotting to feast on our boys and girls back in 2016, why didn’t he do anything about it? He thought Crooked Hillary was going to win!”
Although Baba Yaga is a Russian national and unlikely to fly to the US to stand trial, the indictment is seen as more than just symbolic, since it prevents the Goddess of Wisdom and Death from tilting her pestle toward any country with an extradition treaty with the United States.
Peter Carr, the Special Counsel’s spokesman, declined to comment.
This is the most significant development in the Muller investigation since former Manafort aide Koschei the Deathless agreed to testify in exchange for the return of his magic egg.
