Sendai, JAPAN – Japanese contractors in charge of cleaning up after the Fukushima nuclear disaster say that the strange glow being emitted by some of the homeless it hired is merely their immens...
Earth starts new orbit around sun with clean slate, colossal hangover
A TINY SPECK IN THE MILKY WAY – Bouncing back from the previous night’s festivities, Planet Earth is excited to begin its new revolution just as soon as she recovers from a splitting headache. The blu...
New contract with Toronto Maple Leafs causes Dion Phaneuf’s face to almost show emotion
TORONTO – When Dion Phaneuf put pen to paper and signed his new contract extension with the Toronto Maple Leafs his face almost assumed the position of a smile, sources reported today. Dave Noni...
5 perfect holiday tips to make your Christmas ornaments come to life when you leave the room
By Mariah von Birdspell Host of HGTV’s “Transcendental DIY” Like a secret recipe for eggnog or a favourite carol, plenty of us have cherished family traditions for “Zeigvitus,” or the practice of bri...
PM Harper wishes Canadians a merry fourth-quarter purchasing cycle
OTTAWA – With the holiday season drawing near, Prime Minister Harper issued a statement today urging all Canadians to enjoy the time of year that brings us closer to our most beloved industries....
Parents convince their children that mall Santa’s “funny smell” is juniper berries
Brockville, ON – When Crestview Mall’s Santa Claus showed up to work belligerently drunk and stinking of gin last weekend, parents had to persuade their children that the smell emanating from hi...
Shawn Thornton suspended for punching guy in face differently than he was supposed to
BOSTON – Boston Bruins enforcer Shawn Thornton was suspended for 15 games after a brutal attack in which he repeatedly struck Penguins defenceman Brooks Orpik in the face with his fist in a mann...
After 5 years, coroner report concludes that bullets likely killed unarmed teenager shot by Montreal police
MONTREAL – After half a decade of waiting, a Quebec coroner’s report has determined that an unarmed teenager shot by a Montreal police officer in August 2008 most likely died from bullets. “Ther...
Industry Minister James Moore, nation’s poor children only have his words to eat
VANCOUVER- After his remarks that his government didn’t have a responsibility to care for poor children drew strong rebukes from nearly all living humans, Industry Minister James Moore was left with n...
Jewish coworker given menorah for Secret Santa
LONDON, ON – During the office’s yearly exchange of Secret Santa gifts, Daniel Cohen, a Jewish HR manager, received one small menorah from associate-VP of marketing, Karen Welsh. “Well isn’t th...
