HAMILTON – Authorities have confirmed that, while they haven’t checked in a while, it is “quite likely” that at least 4 people in Hamilton have been stabbed today. “I don’t want to s...
Sodom, Gomorrah named hosts of 2026 FIFA World Cup
ZURICH – Despite being capitals of grievous sin destroyed in an act of divine retribution, the Biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorrah have been named by the FIFA Executive Committee as hosts of t...
Giorgio Chiellini cursed to transform into Luis Suarez every full moon
BRAZIL – Following an illegal bite during the Italy-Uruguay match, Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini is now fated to become Luis Suarez at every full moon, forever. “Our hearts go out to Giorgi...
Local man has more plans for zombie apocalypse than own retirement
VANCOUVER – Local tech blogger Scott McGrath has prepared a far more comprehensive plan for a hypothetical zombie pandemic than he ever has or ever will for his own future retirement. “It’s just...
Feds approve controversial maple syrup pipeline
OTTAWA – Despite drawing criticism for considerable construction costs and possible environmental damage, the Government has given the go ahead to a pipeline linking maple syrup producing region...
New dating app “Tradr Datr” allows you to send out more attractive person on dates
TORONTO – The makers of “Personal Dating Assistant,” the site that offers its users consultants who manage your online dating profile for you, have developed a new app that allows yo...
Feds still deciding if Sea King replacement helicopter will include rotors
OTTAWA – Defence officials are still deciding if the helicopter selected to replace the aging Sea King will include the helicopter’s only source of lift. “The CH-148 Cyclone has been chosen as a...
Changeling baby much better behaved
DEER CREVICE, ON – A week after their human baby was replaced during the night by an unsettling near-replica, local parents Dave and Samantha Grumner say that their lives are much more peaceful....
Alarming report suggests catastrophic climate change could alter purchasing habits
YOKOHAMA, JAPAN – An alarming new report suggests that the effects of catastrophic climate change could ultimately impact the way humans consume products and respond to advertising. “For years s...
Redskins owner files urgent trademark application for Washington ‘Holocaust Deniers’
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After the federal patent office revoked the Washington Redskins team trademark due to the word being a racial slur, owner Daniel Snyder has filed a new trademark application f...
