OTTAWA – Constable Ian Sturgess of the Ottawa Police Department confirmed today that hockey star Claude Giroux does indeed have the softest hands in the NHL, after the Philadelphia Flyers center was a...
Leafs accidentally sign infielder Michael Diaz during free agent frenzy
TORONTO – Following a flurry of free agent signings, the Toronto Maple Leafs experienced another setback after the team mistakenly signed a deal with infielder Michael Diaz for the next seven ye...
Local woman still watching True Blood
TORONTO – Despite giving several vague answers on the topic in recent weeks, local woman Anna Trawley, 26, confirmed yesterday that she is “yeah…still probably going to watch the last season of True B...
Climate change denier drowns in flash flood
DELORAINE, MB – After a sudden torrential downpour that has inundated his community, a local climate change denier has been swept away by rushing waters and is presumed drowned. “It’...
Poll: What’s in our wallets?
After surveying 10,000 individuals, we’ve compiled a list of the most commonly found items in Canadians’ wallets: 45% Novelty “Female Body Inspector” badge 28% Forged library card for hot new library ...
World Pride commemorates time when gays couldn’t get sunburned and pay $5 for a bottle of water
TORONTO – On a beautifully cloudless day in downtown Toronto, millions of gays, LGBTQ supporters, and people of all walks gathered to remember a time when homosexuals couldn’t get gouged f...
Hobby Lobby female employees now required to wear chastity belts until marriage
WASHINGTON – In the wake of winning a Supreme Court ruling, US arts and crafts retailer Hobby Lobby has announced that all of their female employees will be required to wear Chastity belts to en...
Ronaldo gets to see photo of family after 50th goal for Portugal
BRAZIL – After scoring his 50th goal for Portugal’s national football team in last Thursday’s game against Ghana, officials from the Portuguese government have allowed captain Cristi...
God makes surprise appearance at World Pride parade
TORONTO – As the World Pride parade drew to a close on Sunday, crowds received a special treat when the Creator of the Universe unexpectedly arrived on a specially designed float. “What...
Recent English grad unsure about the apostrophe in ‘bachelor’s degree’
TORONTO – After earning her degree at the University of Toronto, English major Melany Peony was uncertain about the use of punctuation between the words “bachelor” and “degree.” The confusion st...
