I will be the white guy that finally fixes Canada – First Nations relations

BY BOB RAE CHAIRMAN FOR FN (PTP) GROUP LIMITED PARTNERSHIP After over a century of failed policy, destructive assimilation attempts, and culture demolition I have finally found a way to solve all…

Lab-grown meat refuses to stop screaming

MAASTRICHT, NETHERLANDS – A series of synthetic beef hamburgers grown in vitro at the University of Maastricht have begun screaming, and have resisted all attempts by researchers to get the…

Canada, EU reach free trade deal after Dave eats nation’s supply of Brie cheese

BRUSSELS – Canada and the European Union have signed a historic free trade agreement, which resupply Canadian fridges after Dave ate all of country’s Brie cheese. “Canadians will be relieve…

After 40 years Steve Miller admits no one ever called him the Gangster of Love

Friday Harbour, Washington – At a press conference in front of his home legendary singer and blues guitarist Steve Miller admitted that, despite the claim in his famous song ‘The Joker’ no …

RCMP fracks aboriginal protest

REXTON – Responding to a road blockade set up by Elsipogtog First Nation members protesting SWN Resources use of Aboriginal land, the RCMP used various high-pressure techniques to fracture …

Doctor Who fans celebrate release of long lost unwatchable episodes

Following the discovery of several 1960’s era Doctor Who tapes previously thought destroyed, Who fans are eagerly awaiting the release of the dated and plodding episodes that will undoubtedly be …

Montreal police arson squad return from group outing to find offices destroyed by fire

MONTREAL – After a morale-boosting spa day, Montreal’s arson squad returned to work yesterday only to find their offices destroyed by arson. “It’s been a long couple months for us. We’ve be…

Green party places Laraque on injured reserve with fraud accusation

MONTREAL – In an unexpected roster move, the Green Party transferred Georges Laraque to the injured reserve list yesterday with a fraud accusation. In a post-garden-visit press conference, …

Doctors admit ‘turn-your-head-and-cough’ procedure one big practical joke

TORONTO – The Canadian Medical Association announced today that the procedure of twisting a man’s scrotum and asking him to turn his head and cough is a longstanding prank. Until now, docto…

In triumph of democracy, Harper writes laws for all future governments

OTTAWA – Seeking to strengthen democratic institutions, Prime Minister Stephen Harper used this week’s speech from the throne to announce the legislative agenda of all future governments. “…