Beloved New Jersey governor revealed as politician

Trenton, NJ – Supporters of New Jersey’s long-admired governor Chris Christie were disappointed after the media revealed that he was – in fact – a politician last week. Christie…

Jermain Defoe announces retirement from competitive football, signs for TFC

TORONTO – Jermain Defoe called time on his glittering fifteen-year career as a trophyless competitive footballer on Monday, simultaneously announcing his retirement and signing with Toronto…

‘Fine, don’t get the flu shot. See what I care,’ declare nation’s doctors

OTTAWA  – The Canadian Medical Association released a statement earlier today informing Canadians that it no longer cares if you get the flu shot, or what diseases you contract, even though…

Utah legalizes homophobic marriage

SALT LAKE CITY — Following a landmark ruling from the U.S. Supreme Court earlier this week, Utah will continue to grant thousands of openly homophobic couples the right to wed. “It’s a huge relie…

New 3D printing innovations will finally allow people to have sex with themselves

New Westminster, BC- The world of 3D printing has opened the door to one of the greatest of human sexual fantasies; having sex with a realistic facsimile of one’s self. “This is the greatest adva…

Nation wonders if guy who ‘loves winter’ also likes getting fucking choked to death

CANADA – After weeks of relentless cold, the nation wondered today whether local man Jake Bryans still thought Winter was “The best season”, and also whether he thought it would be fun if a…

York University Dean supports student’s religious right to Aztec human sacrifice

TORONTO – After permitting a student to be excused from course work on religious grounds so he would not have to publicly interact with female peers, the Dean of York University is also per…

Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews

Name: Ryerson University Nickname: Dave Motto: “The best education you can get in a mall” History: In 1852 at the core of the present main campus, the historic St. James Square, Egerton Ryerson f…

Pot-smoking Mountie can’t stop laughing at uniform

FREDERICTON – A Mountie who uses medicinal marijuana couldn’t stop giggling at his red serge when he returned it yesterday pending an unrelated assault trial. “Dude, this is just like……

Freezing death of homeless man welcome news for global warming deniers

Timmins, ON — While temperatures across much of the country have plummeted, causing the death of a number of elderly and homeless individuals, including local man James Russell, cold weathe…