TORONTO – A 68 year-old man suffering from pancreatic cancer has asked his adult children to purchase him the new iPhone 6 so he can cross ‘experiencing all of Apple’s new features’ ...
Puppy Bowl rocked by accusations squeaky balls intentionally deflated
LOS ANGELES – Animal Planet executives have been inundated with accusations that the squeaky balls used during the annual Puppy Bowl were severely deflated to fit the needs of lead quarter and a...
Immigrant doctor successfully delivers 2.5 pound pizza
WOODBRIDGE, ON. – Drawing on expertise as an obstetrician that the Canadian government does not recognize, local pizzeria employee Bishal Thule has successfully delivered a two-and-a-half-pound ...
Schools celebrate Black History Month with abolition of Canadian slavery from history curriculum
TORONTO – To kick off Black History Month in Canada, schools across the country have successfully abolished all forms of Canadian slavery from the nation’s history. “Teaching about Canadian slav...
Report: Decreased interest rate will cause Canadian calendar increase of 2.7 days, or something
In the wake of the Bank of Canada’s recent interest rate cut and wide speculation about its impact on inflation, the housing market, and the economy as a whole, overwhelmed experts are now predicting ...
Subway tunnel workers just going to pretend they didn’t find that chamber of skulls
TORONTO – Workers on the Spadina subway extension who discovered an enormous subterranean chamber of skulls this morning say that they’re just going to seal it back up and move on with their liv...
Bell Let’s Talk Raises $6,000,000 to fund counselling for survivors of Bell’s customer service
TORONTO – After raising a record $6,107,538.60 for mental health initiatives on Wednesday, Bell executives announced all of the money would go to counselling centres for survivor’s of the company’s cu...
Montreal’s Club Supersexe offers childcare program for employees, clients
MONTREAL – One of Montreal’s most acclaimed strip clubs is offering its dancers and clients free childcare inside the club. The new daycare – available for children twelve and under –...
Ghostbusters fans ain’t afraid of no ghosts, unless that ghost has a vagina
THE INTERNET – After director Paul Feig announced that his Ghostbusters reboot would feature an all-female cast of Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon, many fans of th...
Tim Hortons layoffs coincide with launch of new DoubleMeat Breakfast Sandwich
OAKVILLE, ON – Just hours after their parent company Burger King announced layoffs at Tim Hortons HQ, the coffee chain has announced a new, even meatier breakfast sandwich. “DoubleMeat means jus...
