Nation shocked when rural kid gets DUI
MIAMI – The nation expressed shock and disbelief earlier this week when a young native from a very small rural town in Ontario was arrested for driving under the influence. “Wait, you’re sa…
Vietnam veteran acquitted in assault of flashmob
NEW YORK – After maiming an entire flashmob two years ago, Vietnam veteran Lester Farley was acquitted of 36 cases of assault earlier this afternoon. “Personally, I’m satisfied with the ver…
Tarantino scraps film after leaked screenplay reveals movie involves revenge
HOLLYWOOD — Writer and director Quentin Tarantino recently announced that he no longer intends to produce his upcoming western film, Hateful Eight, after a major leak revealed that the movie will…
Here are some other things that I think are fantastic
BY: KEVIN O’LEARY Listen, I’ve heard a lot of people talking about how terrible it is that 85 people own more money than the poorest three and a half billion. Well let me tell you something…
Batman vs. Superman movie pushed back to 2016 because it’s going so awesome
HOLLYWOOD – A spokesperson for Warner Brothers announced this week that the planned sequel to “Man Of Steel” would have its release date postponed by a year, purely because the project was …
Montrealers wonder when they can start ironically wearing toques again
MONTREAL – Temperatures in Montreal are fluctuating between chilly and cryogenically cold again leaving many to question when they can ironically wear a toque. “This sucks” declared 24-year…
John Tortorella suspended after behaving like John Tortorella
VANCOUVER – After last Saturday’s melee-filled game against Calgary, Vancouver Canucks coach John Tortorella has been given a fifteen day suspension for “behaving in a manner th…
Goldman Sachs predicts Canadian dollar will fall after they artificially lower it
NEW YORK, NY – Goldman Sachs’ computer models have predicted that the value of the Canadian Dollar will lower by as much as 12 cents compared to the US dollar in 2014 after they use an asto…
TTC suggests passengers just ‘buy a fucking car already’
TORONTO – Overwhelming customer complaints regarding long delays and crumbling infrastructure have prompted the TTC to suggest to its unhappy customer base “to grow up” and “buy a fucking c…
Israeli Prime Minister Stephen Harper returns after long visit in Canada
TEL AVIV – After nine long years travelling in Canada to promote his country, Israel’s prime minister Stephen Harper is finally back in his homeland. “From what I have learned, Canada is a …
