Leafs fan only wants most talented player in franchise history to re-sign if it’s at a discount
TORONTO – Demoralized and frustrated by the team’s lack of playoff success, Toronto Maple Leafs fan Mark Montrose says that if Hart, Rocket and Lindsay award winner Auston Matthews is…
Tech Update: Mom’s Already Posted Her SIN on Threads
Can you friggin believe it? Threads, Meta’s answer to Twitter, has been around for literally 24 hours, and Mom has already posted her SIN on it. ALREADY. The annoying thread in question was poste…
Furtive deviant enjoys cold glass of forbidden summer eggnog
CALGARY – According to confidential sources, Jordan Sharpe* has poured himself a tall glass of summer eggnog, despite the risk of harsh judgement from friends and neighbours. (*name changed for h…
Friend has been rich this whole time
TORONTO – Local woman Maddy Humphries, 29, has discovered that her friend Kyla Mason, 28, has been hiding the fact that she is rich for the entirety of their 7 year friendship. “Kyla …
“We’ll be so easy!” promises table about to ruin server’s entire life
TORONTO – In a stunning display of complete lack of self awareness, a group of friends sitting down to eat at Earls assured their server that they would be “Such an easy table!” despite the…
Marvel movie fans studiously avoiding spoilers for latest predictable, formulaic film
LOS ANGELES – Marvel fans everywhere are abstaining from all social contact, in-person and online, from the release of the latest highly-anticipated film until the start time printed on the…
Has feminism gone too far? A woman was mean to me
THE INTERNET – No one supports women’s rights more than I do, but even the best ideas can be taken too far, and my lived experience from two hours ago is the definitive proof: A woman was mean to…
Homeowner open to any solution to housing crisis that doesn’t raise property taxes or lower property values
Oakville, ON – Local man Nicholas Burnaby says that, as a homeowner, he would be happy to see any solution implemented that helps people afford to buy and rent necessary housing as long as …
Report: Woman accidentally told a Manitoban she’s “from Winnipeg” and now has to admit she’s from Portage la Prairie
MONTREAL – After telling a stranger in downtown Montreal that she’s “from Winnipeg” 31-year-old Portage La Prairie resident Sadie Nielson was horrified to discover that the stranger in fact…
Avatar 3 run time predicted to go right up to Avatar 4 release
TORONTO, ON – There’s something special to look forward to in 2024. With blockbuster movie running times increasing every year, Avatar 3 has an announced run time of 2 years. This takes the…
