WATERLOO, ON – Researchers at the University of Waterloo have created a quantum computer that is able to access the internet and download pornography from parallel universes. Basic quantum compu...
New York Times “this close” to working up the courage to marry Canada
NEW YORK – After years of gushing travel articles and love letters disguised as op-ed pieces, New York Times editor Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr. assured shareholders this week that America’s 164 year-o...
Shitfaced employee has no idea who put water in the vodka bottles
TORONTO — A sloshed LCBO employee is denying he had any responsibility on who replaced vodka with water in several 1.3 liters bottles of Smirnoff Vodka. “I had…had not one thing to do with...
Whitehorse touts cleanest landfill made up of 15% recyclable glass
WHITEHORSE — Yukon’s capital is claiming it has the cleanest landfill in Canada after recently discovering that glass is not being accepted for recycling and is being sent to the local dump. “We...
NRA recommends gun owners buy second gun to protect selves from first gun
FAIRFAX, VA – The NRA released a statement earlier today advising that all gun owners purchase an additional gun to be used in self-defense against the other guns they own. “Statistic after stat...
Question period enters sudden death round for first time in 50 years
OTTAWA – For the first time since 1966, Question Period has entered a sudden death round, with members of parliament now preparing for bloody, and most likely deadly, close-quarters combat. R...
Successful woman finally honoured with porn parody
TORONTO — Celebrated journalist and author Meredith L. Crowley is enjoying another stunning achievement as the subject of a pornographic parody film based on her life and work. The erotic film, ...
500 thankful university students find out they aren’t going to York after all
500 almost-students breathed a sigh of relief this Tuesday after they were informed by York University that they were sent acceptance letters by accident and would not be forced to enroll. “Normally w...
Underemployed millennial not particularly worried about housing bubble
VANCOUVER – Part-time barista Jeremy Fletcher admitted yesterday that he was not overly concerned about the possibility that housing prices across Canada could suddenly collapse, causing a signi...
Former teacher Trudeau plays name game with all 10,000 Syrian refugees
OTTAWA – Calling on his education background, Prime Minister Trudeau has gathered all 10,000 Syrian refugees in a circle on Parliament Hill to play the name game. “Okay guys, I know it’s cold ou...
