OTTAWA – For the first time since 1966, Question Period has entered a sudden death round, with members of parliament now preparing for bloody, and most likely deadly, close-quarters combat.
“I recognized Tony Clement and Lisa Raitt at the same time, and those are the rules,” said Speaker Geoff Regan, putting on his ceremonial raincoat.
Several MPs have expressed disdain for the archaic regulation. “This is just ridiculous,” said St. Paul’s MP Carolyn Bennett. “I don’t see why we all have to do this, it should just be the two of them trying to kill each other. It’s 2016 for godsake.”
Historians report that this is the first instance of ‘La Période du Mort Subite et trés Greusomme’ in just over 50 years, with MP’s savagely mauling each other as a common practice before that time.
“That’s what most people don’t know about Pearson,” reported Canadian historian Ramsey Pryce. “As well as being a Nobel Prize-winning peacekeeper, the man was unmatched with the trident and net.”
Pryce went on to explain that the practice was introduced during the 1892 administration of Sir John Thompson, who was cut open from shoulder to spleen with a flamberge during a debate on the Manitoba Schools Question two years later.
While many on the floor have shown clear signs of fear, NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair has mostly seemed sad to have to use his dire flail again, and Opposition Leader Rona Ambrose has remained collected.
“We’ve lost Baird and his Bec de Corbin, but all will be well,” stated Ambrose. “The pawns will die, and the king will live. This is the way of things.”
At press time, sounds of frenzied violence from the Senate chamber just turned out to be the snores of dozing Senators.