CSIS: “C-51 will help us defeat the enemies we plan to invent”
OTTAWA – With Bill C-51 now passed into law, the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) has stated it will use its new powers to defeat civilian groups, charities, and political orga…
Evan Solomon fired for having a really boring, sexless scandal
TORONTO – CBC journalist and host of Power and Politics Evan Solomon was fired today after the CBC determined that his scandal was far too dull and lacked a sufficient amount of sex, drugs …
New study reveals that your cousin Steve is still hoping to hang out soon
Prince George, British Columbia — A comprehensive new study released by the University of Northern British Columbia this week has found that your cousin Steve would still really like to han…
Triple Crown won by two guys in horse costume
NEW YORK – Following their come-from-behind victory at the Belmont stakes, the coveted Triple Crown has been won by two men pretending to be a 3-year-old thoroughbred. “It all started when …
Pope recognizes Instagramming meal with “#blessed” acceptable form of saying grace
VATICAN CITY — Cool, social media-savvy Pope Francis (@Pontifex) has declared that uploading a picture of your meal to Instagram with the caption “#blessed” is now recognized by…
Latest CSI spinoff to focus on the killers hiding under your bed, Gary
LOS ANGELES — Television crime drama titan, the CSI franchise, is adding a new spinoff to its roster: CSI: Gary. CSI creator Anthony E. Zuiker and CSI: Cyber co-creator Carol Mendelsohn exp…
Veteran denied disability claim after displaying symptoms of phantom limb
GRAND PRAIRIE, AB – A former Canadian soldier who lost his left arm in combat in Afghanistan has been told he will no longer be eligible for disability benefits due to the fact that he is sufferi…
10 ways to show everyone you’re over your recent breakup
Are you trying to show everybody you’re totally over your previous relationship? Here are some tips: 1. Write a listicle for an online women’s magazine about the top ten ways to know …
ISIS militants unwind by destroying charming little brunch place
SYRIA – After nearly three weeks straight of destroying artwork, murdering innocent civilians, and unlawfully annexing territory, ISIS soldiers Dafiq al-Adnani and Labid al-Tikriti relaxed …
Degrassi School condemned following 35 years of student-related tragedy
TORONTO – Following 35 years of unplanned pregnancies, drunk driving, stabbings, suicides, gonorrhea outbreaks, and one student dropping acid and then falling off a bridge and suffering per…
