EDMONTON – Parents of 17-year-old Matthew Hendrickson have enrolled him in guitar lessons in the hope that a rudimentary understanding of the instrument will allow him to finally lose his virgin...
Vancouver City Hall to be turned into Cactus Club
VANCOUVER – In a somewhat surprising move, the city of Vancouver announced that they plan on turning City Hall into a new location for the popular restaurant chain Cactus Club. When asked why, M...
Doritos nutritionists concerned Canadian diet not ‘zesty’ enough
VICTORIA – A special report released earlier this week by top Doritos nutritionists has expressed concerns that the average Canadian’s diet is far below the daily recommended zesty-ness threshold. “It...
Local man asks rest of dog-fighting ring to quiet down so he can call in sick to work
OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN, ON – Local man Peter Franklin just needs everyone at this dog-fighting ring to quiet down so he can get out of work for the day. “Guys. Guys! C’mon, I just need a few minutes,...
Whitehorse opens new trails for wandering off-leash dogs
WHITEHORSE – Dogs who want to take themselves for a walk in Whitehorse now have more options to explore Yukon’s capital with a new pathway network. 16 new off-leash trails, which explores alleyw...
Calgary Stampede cowboy euthanized after chuckwagon race injury
CALGARY – Calgary Stampede employees were forced to put down a prize cowboy Friday night after he sustained a leg injury during a chuckwagon race. The 42 year-old male Caucasian, named ‘Sid’, wa...
Rebounding biodiversity: bison attacks are up 2,000%
WEST CREASE, AB – At one time reduced to a population of fewer than 600, Canadian populations of the Plains Bison have rebounded to the point where an unprecedented crisis of bison attacks has l...
ISIS takes credit after Saleem accidentally totals Dave’s car
MISSISSAUGA, ON – The Islamic State-affiliated news agency has released a bulletin claiming responsibility, after Saleem accidentally totaled Dave’s car on the way home from sushi last night. “I...
Hungover Justin Trudeau shows parliament Bill Nye video
OTTAWA – After an eventful night at the Byward Market that left him with a throbbing headache, former schoolteacher Justin Trudeau opted to take it easy the following morning and just show the H...
World just going to take a nap until the bad stuff goes away
EARTH – The entire population of the planet has announced this week that it intends to simply lie down for a little nap until all the evil, violent, and hate-filled things that occur daily disappear. ...
