WEST CREASE, AB – At one time reduced to a population of fewer than 600, Canadian populations of the Plains Bison have rebounded to the point where an unprecedented crisis of bison attacks has left hundreds of people trampled from Vancouver Island to Newfoundland.
“It’s such an inspirational story,” said bison researcher Aditya Crore, whispering from inside a locked cupboard while rampaging buffalo devastated his lab. “A true triumph of conservation.”
While the bison population in North America today is still just a fraction of what it once was, numbers of these mighty giants of the plains have recovered to the point where nobody can feel safe wandering the prairies after dark.
“Ever since I was a child, I dreamed that one day I would hear the awesome thunder of the bison as they swarmed across the horizons of Western Canada,” said bison appreciator Jason Chin, while a group of bison stomped the living bejeezus out of him. “Knowing that it could happen in my lifetime is a salve to my bison-inflicted injuries.”
Although biologists hope the recovery of the buffalo bodes well for other endangered species, they also wish it could have been accomplished without the bison situation reaching the point where major cities had to be evacuated.
“Sure, we’ve brought these incredible, majestic creatures back, but at what cost?” said David Suzuki, kneeling before the flaming ruins of Toronto, buffalo machete dropping from fingers slick with blood, some of it buffalo, much of it human, too much of it human. “We were fools. Come Grathor, we have to get this gasoline to New Bisonville by the second moon.”
At press time, conservationists were hoping the example of the bison could be used to help revitalize Canada’s critically endangered human population.