Auston Matthews injured while putting on Leafs jersey

BUFFALO, NY – Auston Matthews, the Toronto Maple Leaf’s number one draft pick for the 2016 draft, has been injured while putting on his first personalized Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. “He’s …

Skills from calligraphy degree applied on Starbucks cup

ST CATHARINES – Local Starbucks barista Janine Avalos has finally been able to put her four years of post-secondary education to good use by applying it to a variety of Starbucks disposable…

Alberta’s broke corporations, unions glad they no longer have to give political donations

EDMONTON – Alberta’s cash-strapped unions and corporations are finally getting some relief after Premier Rachel Notley announced they will be prohibited from making donations to political p…

Europe thrilled it’s going to have fewer English tourists

BRUSSELS – After the shocking outcome of last night’s Brexit vote, citizens of the EU say they’re ‘ecstatic’ there are going to be fewer English tourists around. “Obviously, it’s heartbreak…

Montreal tourist unsure of Saint-Jean-Baptiste customs, takes gamble on getting drunk

MONTREAL — After touching down in Montreal on Saint-Jean-Baptiste Day, traveler Eric Wellford, unsure of the local customs, took an immense leap of faith by deciding to get profoundly drunk…

Nation that took over world sick of being controlled by external power

LONDON – The United Kingdom, a country whose empire once controlled and exploited half the world, has voted to free itself from the tyranny of the European Union. “I’m sick of my country be…

NHL approves future site of abandoned Las Vegas arena

LAS VEGAS – Las Vegas now knows the T-Mobile Arena will be the next derelict building after NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announced the city will be getting an expansion hockey team for the…

Crosby voted NHL’s most valuable non-rapist

LAS VEGAS – At the National Hockey League’s star-studded event last night, Penguins captain and Stanley Cup champion Sidney Crosby was awarded the Harold Ballard Award, given annually to th…

Tories: Assault on Muslim would never had happened if attacker had access to barbaric practices hotline

OTTAWA – The Official Opposition has claimed that an attack on a Muslim woman in a London, Ontario grocery store could have been prevented if the accused had access to a Barbaric Cultural P…

Marvel unveils new Asian superhero: ‘Foreign Investor’

LOS ANGELES – Responding to backlash from fans for their lack of Asian characters, Marvel Studios has created a Chinese superhero, Foreign Investor, who will star in his own solo film. “This will…