Man really needed boys’ night to take mind off climate change
TORONTO – A night out with the boys has proven to be just what local man Pouyan Shah needed to take his mind off of the biosphere’s ongoing collapse. “It was so great to just hang out with …
Air Canada introduces landing fee to all customers currently in flight
DORVAL, QC – Air Canada has announced a new “landing fee” to all customers who are in mid-flight at the present time. “Our goal at Air Canada is always to provide the best quality service,”…
New Brunswick’s Minister of Celtic Affairs promises protection from Roman invaders
FREDERICTON – Drawing her long sword into the air, newly appointed Celtic Affairs Minister has promised the Celtic people of her province protection from the Roman invasion, which threatens…
Whitehorse house sitters unionize, demand better perks from fridges
WHITEHORSE – The House Sitters Association of Yukon (HAY) Local 304 ratified its collective agreement over the weekend, a move welcomed by HAY President Pascale Morin and its more than four…
Marriage with Jeff barely satisfies local woman’s need to not die alone
GRIMSBY, ON – A marriage with 46-year old accountant Jeff Sturges barely satisfies local woman Marissa Sturges’ most rudimentary need for human interaction. “He’s technically there, which i…
Mirror selfie ruined by grinning apparition
DEER CREVICE, ON – Despite weeks of working out and drinking protein shakes, local man Jared Allman’s attempts to take an attractive photograph of himself in the mirror are consistently rui…
Ezra Levant sues self for defamation
CALGARY – Rebel Media founder Ezra Levant is suing himself after the conservative commentator made besmirching comments about himself on TV, radio, newspapers, blogs, Twitter, Facebook and …
Canine court rules leg ‘asking for it’
OTTAWA – The nation’s top dog court decided today that Marlowe, a 4-year-old Pug mix, was not guilty of sexual assault because the complainant’s leg was asking to be humped. Judge Duke, a 9…
Couple spends romantic evening fighting over Netflix
PICTON, ON—With nothing standing between them and a relaxed, quiet evening at home, Shelly and Jordan Douglas chose instead to spend three fractious hours passionately arguing about what to watch…
Tragically Hip cancels tour after band members unable to acquire tickets
KINGSTON, ON – The Tragically Hip has announced that it will be cancelling its final national tour as the members of the band were unable to acquire tickets to any of the 15 events they wer…
