Ticketmaster: “Tragically Hip fans being gouged by scalpers is what Gord would have wanted”
TORONTO – Responding to news that tickets to the Tragically Hip’s farewell tour had sold out within seconds, largely to scalpers, Ticketmaster President Jared Smith assured disappointed fan…
SUV driver participates in Bike To Work Week with use of new bike rack
WHITEHORSE – A local government employee has managed to take his bike to work every day of the week thanks to the installation of a new bike rack on his SUV. Thom Gerretsen, 36, has been sh…
Health Canada considers plain packaging for all Tabasco products
OTTAWA – In an effort to reduce the glamour of hot sauce, Canada’s government announced Tuesday that it will hold three months of public consultations before forcing the Tabasco industry to use g…
Fans convinced Edward Scissorhands could never hurt his wife
LOS ANGELES – Fans of Edward Scissorhands were shocked to learn that the half-human, half-unknown possibly pseudo-robotic being was alleged to have beaten his wife. “I cannot believe there …
Tories continue to rebrand by removing wicker man ritual from party constitution
OTTAWA – After recently ending their opposition to gay marriage, the Conservative Party of Canada is continuing to rebrand, this time by resolving to no longer burn human captives inside of…
Man at gym takes off shirt to show bulging biceps on third arm
TORONTO – In a show of machismo earlier this morning, local man Kyle Dresden removed his shirt while working out so that he could unfold the third arm from behind his back and show off its …
Montreal unveils $3.45 million marble speed bumps for 375th anniversary
MONTREAL – Montreal’s mayor Denis Coderre announced the municipal government will be spending $3.45 million on installing pure marble speed bumps to celebrate the city’s 375th anniversary. …
Uber, SPCA to deliver puppies to your office to shit on your supervisor’s desk
TORONTO – The SPCA is joining forces with Uber this Friday, delivering carloads of adorable puppies to offices around the city to take a shit on your least favourite superior’s personal belonging…
INFOGRAPHIC: Blackberry vs Canadarm
Is it entirely possible that the Blackberry and the Canadarm are the same thing?…
Teenager trying to fuck your daughter ‘pleased to meet you, sir’
MEDICINE HAT, ALBERTA – Reports from inside the family room report that Tyler Johnson, the 16 year old just dying to bang your baby girl, is very happy to meet you. “Thank you for having me…
